Overcoming Low Self-esteem

1. What Is Low Self-Esteem?
   • Self-esteem reflects our opinion and judgments of ourselves and the importance we place on ourselves as people.
   • Low self-esteem means having an inadequate belief or judgment, held without actual proof and considering ourselves to be of little importance.
   • At the centre of low self-esteem are negative beliefs e.g. I am bad; I am worthless. These have substantial impact on the person and many areas of their life.
   • The role of low self-esteem can be a feature of present problems, a result of other problems or a susceptibility factor for other difficulties.

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2. The Development Of Low Self-Esteem
   • Keep in mind that your negative beliefs are not things known to have happened or to be true or to exist – they are opinions.
   • They are the opinions reached as a result of your experience usually your earliest observations of facts or events. The existence of negatives and the lack of positives can add to them.
   • Once established these negative beliefs are reinforced by biased thinking. Consistent experiences are acknowledged while those that are contradictory are disregarded.
   • Negative beliefs lead to the development of rules for living that enable you to function in the world despite your negative beliefs. These rules protect you against your negative beliefs but in the long-run they keep low self-esteem going.

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3. What Maintains Low Self-Esteem
• Your negative beliefs at the centre of low self-esteem are activated in circumstances where it seems your rules for living may become unusable. Once set in action a vicious circle maintaining low self-esteem is triggered.
• Lack of certainty leads to negative predictions – fears about what might occur. You expect the worst and assume yourself helpless to stop it.
• Negative predictions cause anxiety – the normal response of the body to threat.
• Anxious predictions also affect your behaviour – you might completely avoid the circumstances altogether; or adopt a whole range of precautions intended to make sure that your worst fears are not realized; your performance might be genuinely disrupted by anxiety e.g. stammering may ensue.
• Even if you are successful your prejudice against yourself makes you disregard your successes.
• The final result is a sense that your negative beliefs have been made definite.
• This confirmation of your negative beliefs then causes self-critical thinking.
• Self-critical thoughts frequently result in low mood which may develop into depression.
• Low mood completes the circle by making sure that your negative beliefs remain activated.

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4. Anxious Predictions
   • In circumstances where your rules for living may become unusable, your negative beliefs are set in action and cause anxious predictions.
   • These predictions contain biases: overestimating that something bad will occur; overestimating how badly it will be if something bad does occur; underestimating personal and outside resources which could help you deal with the situation.
   • These biases make you feel at risk and you take unnecessary precautions to stop the predictions from being realized. The precautions prevent you from finding out if your predictions have any foundation.
   • To deal with anxious predictions make a record when you experience anxiety and note: Date and time; the situation; your feelings and body sensations, rating the intensity 0-100%; your anxious predictions, rating your belief 0-100%; the precautions you take to prevent your predictions from becoming true.
   • Question your predictions, exploring both supporting and contradictory evidence for them. Look for more realistic and helpful alternative perspectives. What evidence is there to support them? Consider the worst and best outcomes and what is realistically most likely to occur. What could you do about the worst if it should happen?
   • In your record note your alternative perspectives, rating your belief 0-100%. Your belief will increase as you test out your alternatives in practice by facing situations you usually avoid.
   • Record your experiments noting your prediction – what you fear might happen; what you did in place of your usual precautions and the results.

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5. Countering Self-Criticism
   • When you have the sense that your negative beliefs have been confirmed by experience the result is self-criticism.
   • Make a note of the words you use to describe yourself when you are being self-critical. You will need to watch out for these words.
   • You frequently learn self-critical thinking early in life. It becomes a habit and is not necessarily based on truth.
   • Self-criticisms makes you feel bad, are unfair, blocks learning, ignore the realities and demoralizes you when you are having difficulties.
   • To combat self-critical thoughts make a record of the thoughts going through your mind when you feel bad and note: Date and time; the situation; your feelings and body sensations, rating the intensity 0-100%; your self-critical thoughts, rating belief 0-100%; self-defeating behaviour - what you do as a result of your self-critical thoughts.
   • Question your self-critical thoughts, exploring both supporting and contradictory evidence for them. Are you confusing a thought with a fact? Look for more realistic and helpful alternative perspectives. What evidence is there to support them? Do you assume your perspective is the only one possible?
   • What is the effect of the way you think about yourself? Are your thoughts helpful or a hindrance? What perspective might be more beneficial for you?
   • Are there biases in your thinking?:
     1. jumping to conclusions;
     2. using double standards;
     3. all-or-nothing thinking;
     4. expressing strong disapproval of your whole self based on a single event;
     5. focusing on your weaknesses and disregarding your strengths;
     6. blaming yourself needlessly;
     7. setting yourself very high standards.
   • Consider what you can do to get a new perspective and practice acting in a less self-defeating way.
   • In your record note your alternative perspectives, rating belief 0-100%. Your belief will increase as you experiment with viewing yourself more positively.

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6. The Effects of Negative Labels
   • We often identify our whole self with a single word/label/name-calling (weak, stupid, unlovable etc).
   • The labels may differ for individuals, but they are mostly negative judgments of us.
   • When we become focused on negative feelings and labels they can greatly affect our thoughts and feelings.
   • It can be useful to challenge these labels.
   • Consider the following labels and see if any are relevant to you-: bad, failure, hopeless, incompetent, loser, nuisance, ugly, unlovable, stupid, weak and worthless. There might be others that are relevant if these are not. Do you label yourself?
   • When did you first start labeling yourself? If it was caused by your low self-esteem you should disregard the label. If it was others, do you remember what was occurring at the time? What did they gain from labeling you in this way? Was it their way of diverting the blame from themselves or did they find you an easy target? You should tell yourself that the time has come to abandon these labels and think about doing so. They are unwanted and not necessary. Apart from the effort would anything prevent you from doing this? Think about the advantages and disadvantages.
   • Challenge these labels by being rational and compassionate. Explore other demanding tasks that may be useful. You have nothing to lose from attempting them to find out if they are of benefit. Keep in mind that in low self-esteem you tend to concentrate on the negatives.
   • You now need to focus on practicing the positives. The more you do this the better your mood will be and the less stress you will feel.

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7. Increasing Self-Acceptance
   • In addition to dealing with anxious predictions and self-critical thoughts you need to concentrate on your strengths and the positives in your life in order to improve your self-esteem.
   • List your qualities, strengths, talents and skills to consolidate a more positive view of you. Bias makes you ignore these and maintains low self-esteem.
   • Make the list concrete by focusing on examples of those qualities in action.
   • Next begin to record examples of your good qualities every day as they happen until you are automatically aware of the good things you do.
   • Use a daily activity diary to get a clear picture of how you pass your time and your pleasure and satisfaction derived from these activities. Note your activities and give each both a pleasure rating (P0-10) and a mastery (how far each activity was an achievement) rating (M0-10) e.g. P10 is most enjoyment and P0 no enjoyment. It can identify changes you would like to make to how you spend your time. Review your diary every day to reflect on what you have done and what your record tells you.
   • From your diary note whether you are participating in pleasurable activities. You may feel you do not deserve time to relax. If you are doing enjoyable things but not enjoying them consider what thoughts get in the way and put them to one side and concentrate on your activity. Another reason for not getting any pleasure from anything is depression. If you feel this may be the case consult your doctor. See ‘Overcoming Depression’ in the Forward Counselling Advice Service.
   • If you are not achieving anything it may be you need to participate in a wider range of activities. Alternatively it may be that although you are engaging in a wide range of activities your self-critical thinking is gradually weakening your sense of achievement. Write down your self-critical thoughts and answer them with alternatives.
   • Introduce changes by making a plan for the day and aiming for a balance between pleasure and mastery. Record what you actually do with both pleasure and mastery ratings. Review your day to get a clearer idea of the changes you wish to make in the pattern of your day.

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8. Coping With the Need for Approval
   • If you excessively seek approval, the needs of others will become more important than your own.
   • You can become trapped in seeking approval when the means of achieving approval becomes to be increasingly subordinate. You avoid your own needs and try to please others.
   • People can become subordinate to a way of life or to others.
   • Conflict over whether you live for yourself or for others can lead to a loss of identity. This is linked to loss of composure and reduced confidence due to lack of control over where your life is going.
   • Build your confidence by increasing the positives in your life and be serious about your own requirements and try not to criticize yourself.
   • In your relationships with others remember that approval has to go both ways.
   • Receiving a lot of criticisms and put downs is linked to mental ill-health. These can be verbal, non-verbal or even physical attacks. You may believe the bully or feel weak if you cannot deal with your adversary but the best option is to remove yourself from their presence or seek help from others.
   • Try to recognize the types of negative thinking in your thoughts - note them down in a journal.
   • The types of negative thoughts that arise in anxiety include catastrophizing (predicting the very worst), jumping to negative conclusions (interpreting things without evidence), emotional reasoning (an over-reliance on feelings to guide judgments), 'I must'(these thoughts involve feelings of being compelled to do something), disregarding and disbelieving the positives, disregarding and disbelieving others, increasing the strength of the negatives by dwelling on them, all-or-nothing thinking (black-and-white thinking) and over generalizing (you notice something that is true and make generalizations about it).
   • It is possible to successfully challenge all these thoughts. Use your rational and compassionate mind to find positive alternative thoughts.
   • How do you deal with approval? Are you able to accept the nice things said about you? If not, record your thoughts and challenge them.
   • What goes through your mind when you have made an effort and others do not notice? Do you think you are making too much of the circumstances? Are you feeling strongly self-critical? Challenge these thoughts with alternatives.
   • Do you feel you must please others? What would happen if you did not succumb to the wishes of others? Would you label yourself as selfish? Write down your thoughts and challenge them. What thoughts prevent you from being your own person? Is it possible that your thinking can consider both yours and the other person's perspective?
   • Are you blaming yourself for being the target of a bully? Do you believe the bully? If so, think about how you can challenge this and how a sympathetic friend would talk to you.

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9. Feelings of Shame
   • Shame arises from a feeling that we are in some way different and inferior or bad. We all are capable of developing shame.
   • Shame occurs when we devalue ourselves for behaving in a way which attracts disapproval or ridicule
   • You may feel shame or be shamed by others.
   • Shame has emotional, behavioural and physiological components. These feelings may have been established in the past or present.
   • When you label yourself as e.g. inferior or bad, your shame increases.
   • Shame is felt when we want to feel good about ourselves but others will not allow this.
   • Your inner bully can make you feel shame and it is a bad idea to be restrained by your bully.
   • Shame can bring you to a standstill and you may spend much of your life hiding it or compensating for your shame.
   • In order to beat shame you need to admit the truth of the root of your shame with compassion for yourself and acknowledge that types of negative thinking e.g. all-or-nothing thinking, control the functioning of shame.
   • Write down the things you feel ashamed about and use your rational and compassionate mind to challenge them by finding alternatives to the shameful thoughts. For example: I am NOT a worthless person because ---------.
   • What is occurring when you feel ashamed? Imagine a friend is assisting you – take in their compassion and request what you require of them. How can you change to overcome your shame? How would you act if you felt less shame? Contemplate on taking measures to realize this.
   • Your fear of other people’s opinion will be reduced as you try to alter your behaviour. For example if you are dependent on wearing make-up to go out, try not wearing any. Examine and challenge your thoughts.
   • Attempt to be less formal with people. Increase your warmth toward them and concentrate less on what is visible.
   • Be the initiator in developing positive activities with other people.
   • You could try joining a group such as Alcoholics Anonymous – the self-empowerment skills they will teach you will be invaluable.
   • Keep a journal of your feelings of shame – this will give you emotional release.
   • Try to understand the child in you and accept and love that child.
   • Tell yourself each day about one good quality you possess. Do not listen to the shaming voice in your mind.
   • Recognize, stand up to or avoid people and situations that trigger your shame.

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10. Coping With Guilt
    • Guilt arises from a responsibility for others. We focus on the harm or hurt we may have caused other people. It is often connected to fear and sadness.
    • Normal guilt occurs when we think we have done something wrong, and pathological guilt occurs when we have the additional belief that as a result we are a bad person.
    • We may resort to self-punishment because we feel that we deserve to be punished since we are a bad person. A common form of self-punishment is self-blame where we blame ourselves entirely for problems. We may take self-blame further and self-harm.
    • The problems of life naturally cause guilt which can restrain us but on the bright side, can enable us to acknowledge our damaging behaviour.
    • Guilt can trigger self-attacking and shame.
    • Guilt occurs when we feel we have not dealt adequately with people, had to turn down their requests or suffered a separation.
    • If you suffer guilt because you may think you are a burden or feel you have disappointed others, note that you do not choose to have your emotional problems. If your guilt makes you feel suicidal seek professional help.
    • Try to recognize your key guilt areas.
    • Let us consider how guilt can be both beneficial and detrimental to your well-being. Write down the ways in which recognizing your guilt helps you. Then think about the ways in which it is not of aid.
    • Confront and challenge your guilt by asking yourself the following questions: What am I trying to achieve by endeavouring to be pleasant? Am I taking on too much responsibility? Is this something I learned when young and need to alter now? What made me think this way and how might I alter my behaviour? Does my guilt make me submissive and unable to assert myself for fear of what others may think? What evidence is there for and against my guilt? What are the alternatives to my negative thoughts about guilt? What advice would I give a friend experiencing the same circumstances? How can I reduce and control my guilt?
    • It can be helpful to write a review of how you think you may have acquired your guilt and what you could do to challenge your guilty thoughts.
    • List the advantages and disadvantages of feeling guilty in a given situation.
    • How does guilt benefit your life? How is it detrimental to your well-being?
    • List all the factors that contribute to your problem.

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11. Competitiveness and Perfectionism
    • Most of our problems arise from failing, so learning how to fail without attacking yourself is useful in gaining more control over your mood. Without realizing it, because of the pressure to succeed, we can become competitive and perfectionist people who are daunted by the thought of failure.
    • Perfectionism leads to frequent disappointments which results in feeling low.
    • Perfectionism can lead to competitiveness when we want to be seen as superior and wish to avoid inferiority.
    • To find out in which areas of your life your competitiveness lies ask yourself which areas of your life you would not settle for being average and which concern you regarding what others possess, are achieving or doing.
    • A problem with perfectionism is that you evaluate yourself on the products of your activities and disregard your efforts.
    • Competitiveness and perfectionism can be directed at our self or at others or we may feel it is expected of us.
    • Another problem with competitiveness and perfectionism is that your internal bully often directs frustration and anger toward yourself.
    • You may become self-centered from perfectionism and competitiveness if you let your inner bully take control.
    • You may experience frustrative anger, anxiety or guilt at not succeeding, because of your negative thinking styles.
    • As a result self-attacking or attacking others may increase, leading to you feeling more low.
    • You need to consider how you cope with yourself and others when you cannot meet your ideal standards.
    • In order to identify your competitiveness and perfectionism think about an occasion when you did not succeed at something. What were your ideals regarding the matter? What were you hoping to achieve and why would that have been good? Were you afraid of inferiority or were you seeking superiority? Were you attempting to attain your own ideals or those dictated by others? Was your objective to gain the favour of others? Are you success orientated or do you try to avoid failure?
    • Praise yourself for even your little successes.
    • Examine your actions when you fail. Do you attack yourself or others? What do you say in these circumstances? Do you accept failure, if so why? Write these down to make things clearer for yourself. Next explore if you use types of negative thinking e.g. all-or-nothing thinking.
    • Learn how to fail so that you need not fear achieving success. Use your rational and compassionate mind to ask yourself firstly how you would advise a friend, then what you wish them to say to you. Can you find alternatives to challenge your negative thoughts and feelings?
    • Try to break things up into a manageable size and proceed in steps concentrating on your achievements rather than what you have been unable to do.
    • Set realistic standards, become tolerant of others’ mistakes and learn to identify what is ‘good enough’ and accept it.
    • Is your life pleasurable or do you not enjoy things? Can you complete one task today? Consider how you might obtain help from others?
    • Learn to accept yourself thus gaining confidence and enjoy your success.

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12. Altering Unhelpful Rules
    • Some rules are intended to maintain self-esteem but actually gradually weaken it by demanding impossible things of us.
    • If you have low self-esteem you will find that your rules for living stop you from achieving your life goals.
    • We learn rules from experience and observation. They are determined by our culture and our families pass them on to us.
    • Rules for living can be stated in one of three ways:
      1. Assumptions, "If …. /Unless …., Then …. " e.g. "If I become intimate with anyone then they will hurt me.";
      2. "shoulds", "musts" and "oughts" usually linked to "or else" e.g. "I must always control myself or else I will explode";
      3. Statements about how it would be if you behaved (or did not behave) in a specific way, or if you were (or were not) a specific sort of person e.g. "It's terrible to do things wrong".
    • Identify your rules for living by finding general statements that have been influencing you for some time. Work on one rule at a time to find an alternative more realistic rule and test it out.
    • What impact has the rule had on your life? How does it affect your life now? How do you know your rule is in operation? Write down your rule and the answers to these questions in a summary.
    • To help you change the rules ask yourself where the rule came from and in what ways it is reasonable? What are the advantages and disadvantages of obeying the rule? What is a more realistic and helpful alternative rule? What do you need to do to practice your new rule on a day-to-day basis? Try to act as if your new rule is true and explore the results. Keep records of your experiments.
    • Complete your summary by writing what you have learned from working to alter your rule. Read it regularly until your new rule becomes second nature.
    • Write your new rule on a flashcard and keep it close at hand as a reminder to read frequently and before difficult situations.
    • Combat the old rule by continuing to use what you have learned to deal with anxious predictions and self-critical thoughts. You will find that it will be slowly phased out.
    • It could take many months to fully establish your new rule so use your records of your experiments as a source of encouragement.

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13. Gradually Weakening Negative Beliefs
    • You may have more than one negative belief and if so work on one at a time starting with the most important.
    • Your negative belief is an opinion you have had about yourself for some time and in various circumstances.
    • Think about what is your negative belief then write a summary: "My negative belief is: ……" Rate your belief 0-100% when you feel your negative belief is most true and when it is least true. For both, write down your feelings e.g. guilt, hope, relief and rate the intensity 0-100%.
    • Rate both how much you believed your negative belief before starting this advice and now. Write down the intensity of your emotions in both cases. Consider the reasons for any changes you have noticed as this tells you how to continue improving your self-esteem.
    • Next you need to form a more positive and realistic alternative belief and actively seek supportive information and experiences. Try asking yourself: ‘If I were not ….. (Your negative belief), what would I like to be? E.g. ‘If I were not inadequate, I would like to be adequate’. Your new perspective would be ‘I am adequate’. You could then start accumulating evidence to support this new belief.
    • Use all the work you have done so far to form a fairer perspective of yourself. Write down your new belief rating its strength 0-100% both when you feel it is most true and when it is least true. For both write down the intensity of your emotions 0-100%.
    • Rate both how much you believed this belief before starting this advice and your strength in this belief now. Write down the intensity of your feelings in both cases. Notice how your strength in your belief alters as you concentrate on supportive evidence. Keep in mind that 100% is usually unattainable and you should therefore be trying to be ‘good enough’
    • Try to remind yourself frequently that: ‘Every day in every way I am getting better and better’.
    • To gradually weaken your negative beliefs consider what ‘evidence’ supports them and how else this ‘evidence’ could be comprehended. When you have done this write down what you have learned and again rate your belief in your old negative belief and your new more positive belief and the intensity of your feelings for both.
    • What evidence supports your new belief and contradicts your old negative belief?
    • Experiment with acting as if your new belief is true. Plan in detail how according to this new belief, you would act on a day-to-day basis. Note the thoughts that occur and deal with anxious predictions and self-critical thoughts as you have learned.
    • Record your experiments and assess their outcome. In your summary write briefly what you have found out by looking for evidence that makes your new belief valid. Then again rate your belief in the old negative belief and the new belief and note the intensity of your feelings for both.
    • As you continue with these ratings you will notice change over time.

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14. Dealing With Interpersonal Relationships
    • Interpersonal relationships may have caused your low self-esteem or may be preventing you from recovering – in any event interpersonal relationships will be affected by your low self-esteem.
    • You need to understand your personal relationships and be able to deal with them effectively.
    • Draw interpersonal maps for:
      1. how your interpersonal relationships are at present;
      2. how your interpersonal relationships might be now if you did not suffer from low self-esteem;
      3. how your interpersonal relationships will be in 10 years if you continue to suffer from low self-esteem;
      4. how you would ideally like your interpersonal relationships to be.
    • These will summarize all your relationships and allow you to recognize any changes you may desire.
    • List all your important relationships and put yourself in the middle of the map in a circle.
    • Place each person’s name in a circle on the map, around you in the middle – the closer the relationship to you, the closer the circle to you.
    • Join these circle’s to you in the middle with an arrow outward if it is you mainly giving; an arrow inward if you are mainly receiving; a two-way arrow if giving and receiving is balanced; a question mark if you are unsure.
    • Examine these maps noting any differences and set yourself goals to make any desired changes to your relationships.
    • For each relationship ask yourself:
      • who initiates and terminates contact;
      • are you happy with how often you see this person? ;
      • who decides what to do or what to talk about? ;
      • is there a balance between giving and receiving? ;
      • do you want to alter the relationship in anyway?
    • Consider questions such as:
      • who could I confide in and get advice from? ;
      • who would be there for me if I fell ill? ;
      • who would lend me money at very short notice?
    • Next time you have contact with each person, examine the relationship – participate and observe. Were your predictions correct? – If not, what was different?
    • When you have a complete picture of your relationships, think about how you maintain them and in what way you want to change your relationships.
    • Two important reasons for making changes are
      1. A balanced and supportive social network is necessary for your well-being;
      2. By altering your relationships but avoiding being controlling, you may increase your sense of control.
    • Start by making small changes and monitoring progress. You could also try discussing what you have learned about the relationship with the individual.

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15. Removing The Obstacles To Intimacy
    • Record and examine closely the things that prevent you from achieving intimacy with someone. Note your thoughts and reactions when you distance yourself from a friend or end a relationship and make an analysis e.g. are you overgeneralising?
    • Social inadequacy can be an obstacle to intimacy. Apply your assertiveness skills to your social and work life and observe how socially skilled people handle situations in particular difficult ones. Rehearse your social behaviours so that you are comfortable with them.
    • Try to grasp your anxious thoughts, examine them closely and if required, challenge them. What are your anxious thoughts? Is your outlook biased – are there misjudgments? Consider the evidence to support and discount your thoughts.
    • See ‘Overcoming Social Phobia’ in the Forward Counselling Advice Service.
    • It is possible to become over-intimate and make ourselves vulnerable to exploitation. Trust can be given in a series of stages and you can fluctuate as to how much you trust someone.
    • Communication is necessary for all relationships. Record the feelings which threaten your relationship (e.g. jealousy) and grasp the automatic thoughts. Analyze them and find alternative ways of dealing with the situation.

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16. Dealing With Problem Behaviour – Avoidance: Graded Exposure
    • To overcome your fear you need to face it at your own pace. Identify and write down an accurate description of your fear. Deal with one fear at a time.
    • Graded exposure will show you that your fears are not really alarming and build your confidence. You are trying to learn to master your anxiety rather than avoiding it. There are three stages:
      1. Setting targets – Your descriptions of fears such as objects and situations that cause avoidance and anxiety needs to be arranged in order of difficulty with the easiest first. These are your targets.
      2. Grading tasks – Choose a target and plan a series of steps which become progressively difficult so that you can build on your successes. Each step should be altered in one aspect at a time to increase the difficulty and allow you to build your confidence. E.g. If your target is to shop at the supermarket, alone – you could start by shopping for one item at the local shop with the correct money then with a credit card then buy several items with a credit card. Next you could try graded steps at a local store followed by a mini-market and finally at a supermarket.
      3. Practicing – Repeat each step until your anxiety is no longer there, then proceed to the next task and reward yourself for your achievements.
    • Keep a diary to remind you of your progress. Note the date and task and give a rating for your anxiety 1-10 (1 is no distress and 10 is most distress). Write down any other related details.

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17. Problem-Solving
    • Problems of any sort can cause distress to a person with low self-esteem.
    • The problem-solving approach can be useful in these cases. You learn to focus your thinking and find solutions to your problem instead of becoming frustrated. There are six steps in problem-solving:
      1. Define the Problem – Be specific and try to break the problem into more manageable tasks. Do one task at a time. Choose your task and specify your goal.
      2. List Solutions – Try to write down as many ideas, to solve your problem, as you can.
      3. Evaluate the Pros and Cons of Each Solution – Consider your solutions and reject the unsuitable ones. List the remaining solutions in order of usefulness.
      4. Selecting a Solution and Planning Action - Choose your first solution and decide how you will put it into action. Rehearse your task and make sure you have a back-up plan in case your task does not go as planned.
      5. Do it - Attempt your solution.
      6. Review the Result of the Solution – If your solution is successful try to understand why it was so. If your solution is unsuccessful try to comprehend why it did not work. Praise yourself for having tried and choose your next solution from your list.

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18. Assertiveness Training
    • The aim of assertive behaviour is to stand up for your legitimate rights and face others without putting yourself or them down.
    • Assertiveness training teaches you to increase the number and variety of situations in which you are assertive.
    • There are three types of interpersonal behaviour:
      1. Aggressive - you may be forceful in expressing your opinions, feelings and wants.
      2. Passive - your opinions, feelings and wants may be withheld completely or partly.
      3. Opinions, feelings and wants are stated with respect for the rights of others.
    • Make sure you are aware of your fundamental rights which include: asking for what you want; saying 'No' without guilt; not being perfect; being ignorant about something; being responsible for your actions; having your own perspective and emotions; being indecisive; choosing whether or not to deal with others' difficulties; expecting privacy, independence and success.
    • There are five steps to being assertive:
      1. What do you want? ;
      2. What is fair? ;
      3. Be clear in asking for it;
      4. Contemplate and be ready for the risks;
      5. Stay calm
    • Practice your arguments in advance and repeat yourself to get the message across. Be prepared to negotiate.
    • Think about situations in which you are not assertive and how you could change this and be assertive.
    • Write out a detailed description of problem scenes - note when and where the problem occurs; who is involved; what your difficulties are; how you handle it; your fear of what will happen if you are assertive; your goal.
    • To deal with a problem situation:
      1. Consider your rights and wants.
      2. Unless spontaneous action is required, arrange a mutually convenient time to discuss your problem with the other person.
      3. Define the problem as specifically as possible.
      4. Describe your feelings using 'I' messages, to give the other person an understanding of how important the issue is to you.
      5. Make your request in one or two simple but firm sentences.
      6. Give positive reinforcement to get what you want e.g. we'll be able to spend more time together. If this will be ineffective try negative reinforcement, describing the alternative way you will look after yourself if your wishes are not met.
    • You need to arrive at a workable compromise. Agree to review this after a specified length of time and if you are not both satisfied you can renegotiate.
    • Avoid being manipulated - techniques include:
      1. 'Broken Record' where you choose a concise assertive statement to say over and over to get your message across.
      2. Delay responding to a challenging statement until you are more prepared.
      3. Inviting criticism may reveal what is troubling the other person.
      4. When someone puts you down, acknowledge something you can agree with in their criticism and ignore the rest.
      5. You can change the focus, from discussing the topic to analyzing the interaction between the two of you.
    • In instances where you lack time you could use the short form assertiveness technique. Consider:
      1. Your thoughts - state the facts as: 'I think…'
      2. Your feelings - express as 'I' statements: 'I feel…'
      3. Your wants - specify behaviour change as: 'I want…'
    • You need to develop assertive body language. Practice the following basic rules in front of a mirror so that you learn how to apply them to problem situations:
      1. Maintain eye contact and an erect body posture.
      2. Speak clearly and firmly.
      3. Emphasize what you are saying with gestures and facial expressions.
    • Learn to listen assertively:
      1. Make sure you are both ready to listen.
      2. Listen giving the other person your full attention and ask them to clarify if necessary.
      3. Let the other person know you have heard what s/he has expressed to you.
    • Practice being more assertive in problem situations and consider how it makes you feel.
    • Role-playing is a good way to improve your assertiveness in a safe environment before trying it out in real life situations.

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19. Conclusion
    • Unless you continue to practice what you have learned you are likely to forget these new behaviours.
    • Formulate an action plan by asking yourself how your low self-esteem was established and what maintained it? What have you learned from this advice? What were your most prominent negative thoughts, rules and beliefs? What are your alternatives? How can you consolidate what you have learned? Can you think of any setback that might occur and how would you cope? Keep your action plan close at hand.
    • It could take some time for your new beliefs to become second nature but at that point you will have made the final step forward in overcoming your low self-esteem.

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