Overcoming Destructive Relationships
- Changing Abusive Patterns In Your Life
Exercise:
Write your story about the destructive relationship(s) in your life. Review what you write.
- Trust and love are your feeling responses towards another person and you either feel love or you do not. Many people pretend to feel trust and love.
- Honesty is seen as a behaviour and is something you can choose or not choose. You cannot decide to love or trust, but you can decide to be personally honest or not.
- Honesty does not always bring a response of love but if you hide behind phoney behaviour, the person may love your behaviour but not you, because you have hidden your real existence.
- You only have control over your own thoughts, behaviour and reactions and have free will. Hence you are not a victim – victims do not have any choice in what happened to them e.g. child abuse victims.
- All abuse is intentional and is learned behaviour – as such it can be unlearned.
- Abuse can be verbal, emotional, sexual and physical.
- Common verbally or emotionally abusive behaviours are:
- when someone ignores your feelings;
- calls you names;
- withholds approval, affection, or appreciation;
- gives you intimidating looks;
- monopolizes your time;
- isolates you;
- humiliates you;
- makes threats;
- makes trivial demands;
- makes you feel like you are ‘crazy’;
- checks up on you;
- betrays confidences.
- You may have been abused as a child or you may be experiencing sexual abuse in a relationship. Any unwanted touching or kissing is sexual abuse. Sex without consent is forced sex, and considered as rape whether in a committed relationship or marriage or not.
- Physical abuse can be hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, biting, choking, having something thrown at you or it can be subtler and leave mark not on the body but the soul.
- The Role Of Parents In Abusive Relationships
- Identify those who have abused you and the ways that they have abused you. Do you notice any patterns in your abusive relationships? What sorts of people treat you unfairly? Do you find you can’t say ‘No’ to people? Are you still emotionally enmeshed with your parents?
- You may deal with abusive behaviour by remaining silent, denying it or by making excuses for yourself and others. You may feel depressed, irritable, frightened, suffer from insomnia and give in to compulsions rather than confront your abuser. You may resort to alcohol or drug misuse or you may over eat.
- Not being valued or allowed to feel independent and mature at the correct time and have defects and be vulnerable – can cause difficulties in later life such as low self-esteem and an inability to deal with needs and defects, as an adult.
Exercise:
Write down how your childhood needs were not met and how that has affected your life and relationships.
- You may seek to recreate your parents’ abusive behaviour in efforts to overcome the situation. You need to recognize this and endeavour to change.
- One or both your parents may suffer from depression and you yourself may have symptoms of depression. Depressed parents tend to neglect their children who in turn feel responsible for their parents’ sadness. The child may, as with the parents, try to fix people’s sadness in all relationships and may fear abandonment.
- If you were the victim of sexual abuse you need to understand that you were not to blame.
- As a result of sexual abuse you may have low self-esteem, find it difficult to express emotions or trust people, be uncomfortable with your body and sexuality, feel unease around children and be overprotective of them.
Exercise:
Write down your experience of sexual abuse – what form of abuse were you exposed to? How old were you? Who did it involve and how did you feel? Note the exact incidents.
- In healthy families the parents’ and child’s roles are clearly defined by boundaries. Lack of boundaries can result in little interaction and limited support for the children.
- Critical parents can cause their children to suffer from depression and anxiety. The child feels the need to seek approval and has problems over authority with their own children.
- Abusive Relationships
Abuse at work:
- Gender discrimination and harassment claims against employers are increasing with both men and women as the perpetrators. Issues include discipline, promotion, maternity, lewd comments and actions.
- Is there a pattern of abuse from bosses who treat you unfairly due to their own personal difficulties? You need to realize that you have choices in these matters and are allowing persons of authority to treat you with disrespect.
- Your boss may demand work-at-all hours, but if you have children you need to consider quantity and quality time with them – they are your top priority and you have a choice in the matter. If advancing your career is your top priority you need to consider whether you have enough time for relaxation and recreation.
- With an increasingly competitive job market, coworkers are becoming more abusive – they consciously hurt you to satisfy their own selfish desires. From being portraying you negatively in front of the boss, they may deceive you and submit your ideas as their own, leaving you with nothing to show for your efforts.
- If you believe you have experienced discrimination you can try firstly talking to your supervisor, then your Human Resources manager who is obligated to investigate your allegations thoroughly without bias. Request a booklet of your company’s policies and procedures. Contact the Department of Fair Employment if you do not have a HR manager.
- Sexual harassment or discrimination in the workplace are very difficult to prove, time consuming and often expensive to pursue.
- Women filing sexual harassment and discrimination lawsuits tend to have a pattern of abusive relationships.
Exercise:
Think about the abusive relationships you have experienced. Write down each person’s name, whether it was a person in authority or a coworker and what s/he did. How did you feel and what did you do to resolve the situation?
- Do you notice any patterns and how is the abuse related to previous abusive relationships perhaps with your mother, partner or friends? Perhaps the abusers are women who are critical as your mother was of you.
- You need to realize that not everyone experiences these types of abuse and that is because they make their high expectations known and do not allow themselves to be treated with disrespect.
Abusive friends and family:
- When you have confided in a friend s/he can be abusive by betraying your trust, perhaps to their partner.
- A friend who is too honest is being abusive, as is the friend who depreciates you with his/her version of the truth. A friend who uses you is also being abusive. There are also friends who are there only for the good times and will not bother with you when your life gets difficult.
- Since abuse is intentional your abusive friends are getting rewards for being mean to you. They may feel superior, smarter and their life may seem better when yours is a mess. But what is your reward for maintaining these friendships?
Exercise:
Write down each abusive friend’s name and the abusive behaviour. What was their reward for the behaviour and why did you stay friends with them – what was your reward? Do you see any patterns?
- Your children may abuse you by being rude, inconsiderate and demanding. It is likely that they learn this behaviour from your partner and television but it is also likely that you do not stand up for yourself as a figure of authority.
- Your husband or boyfriend may be the abuser – you may suffer verbal, emotional, sexual or physical abuse. The police are there to support you and you should keep phone numbers of domestic violence shelters close at hand. Be prepared to leave if necessary.
- Critical parents and sibling rivalry can continue into adulthood.
Exercise:
Write down the relationships that make you feel abused and circumstances of abuse as well as your reaction to these situations.
- If a male was your abuser in childhood, you may now have problems with your partner or son. If a female was the abuser you may experience difficulties with your daughter. Consider any patterns and whether your reaction in these situations is similar.
- The Consequences of Abusive Relationships: Low Self-Esteem
- As you continue with this advice the consequences of abusive relationships will be discussed.
- You may have low self-esteem as a result of your abusive relationships. People with positive self-esteem do not let others treat them poorly. You need to improve your self-esteem.
- Low self confidence and lack of self respect equate to low self – esteem. You need to develop self-confidence and self respect in order to improve your self-esteem.
- Problems occur when you base your self-worth on external qualities such as success, love, looks, intelligence, race, religion or power. You have limited control over maintaining these in your life.
- You need to base your self-esteem on being a considerate person who does her best and strives to do better in life. You have absolute control over these factors.
- You may not be at ease with your endeavours but in attempting something difficult you will improve your self esteem whether or not you are completely successful with the feat.
Exercise:
Write down what low self-esteem means to you and how it has affected your life, noting specific situations. Make a list of activities which make you feel better about yourself e.g. buying flowers for the house or treating yourself to lotion or perfume. Try to do an activity from the list each day.
- Irrational Fear
- Fear is another result of abusive relationships. Most fears are irrational and are conditioned responses which often continue even after you have left the abusive relationship.
- Negative thinking styles – irrational beliefs or biased thinking include:
- catastrophizing (predicting the very worst);
- jumping to negative conclusions (interpreting things without evidence);
- emotional reasoning (an over-reliance on feelings to guide judgments);
- 'I must' (these thoughts involve feelings of being compelled to do something);
- disregarding and disbelieving the positives;
- disregarding and disbelieving others;
- increasing the strength of negatives by dwelling on them;
- all-or-nothing thinking (black-and-white thinking);
- over generalizing (you notice something that is true and make generalizations about it);
- mind reading (thinking you know someone’s thoughts when you do not);
- predicting the future;
- labeling (calling yourself names);
- wishful thinking;
- taking the blame when you are not at fault;
- being personally affected by things;
- having unrealistic expectations;
- overestimating failure and underestimating success;
- blaming others;
- personalization (blaming yourself solely whether or not you are entirely responsible for the situation).
Exercise:
Make a list of your irrational beliefs and identify the type of biased thinking you are using.
- You should try to avoid using extreme language which makes your position helpless.
Exercise:
Consider unhealthy situations in which you tend to use abusive words. Describe these situations using positive words. Just by being careful of what you say you can change your life for the better. You need to be your own best friend.
- Challenging Anxious Thoughts
- Thinking affects your feelings and how you feel affects your thinking. By altering your thoughts you will feel better.
- You need to recognize the different types of thoughts which include ideas, expectations and attitudes.
- Worrying thoughts become a difficulty when you cannot get rid off them easily.
- A cycle of mounting anxiety can result if you do not identify and challenge your worrying thoughts.
- Ask yourself if your worry is irrational and unrealistic. If so then find a rational statement to replace it.
- There are three steps to challenging worrying thoughts: Identify your worrying thoughts – Try to catch the thoughts that go through your mind. Monitor your thoughts when you are anxious each day. Note the date and time and your anxious thought. Rate it 1-10 (1 is no distress and 10 is most distress) and write down thinking biases.
- You need to recognize bias in your thinking so that you can rectify your thoughts. Patterns of biased thinking include:
- being personally affected by things;
- taking the blame when you are not at fault;
- mind reading – thinking you know someone’s thoughts when you do not;
- discounting the positive;
- jumping to negative conclusions – interpreting things without evidence;
- emotional reasoning – an over-reliance on feeling to guide judgments;
- catastrophizing – predicting the very worst;
- over-generalizing – you notice something true and make generalizations about it;
- predicting the future;
- labeling – calling yourself names;
- wishful thinking.
- Consider how you can challenge your worrying thought by finding alternative ways of thinking. Think about the reasons both for the worrying thought and against maintaining it. What is the worst case scenario and how could you cope? Try to form a more rational and constructive view of the circumstances. Re-rate your distress.
- Keeping Secrets
- Keeping secrets is a result of abusive relationships, as are feelings such as shame and guilt.
- You may be an expert at keeping the unhealthy aspects of your relationship a secret because keeping secrets about your family life was a way of life, perhaps due to abuse, parents who were defective in their roles or delinquent siblings, all of which was kept secret.
Exercise:
Write down the secrets you keep, why you kept the secret and how you view the secret now.
- Shame
- Shame arises from a feeling that we are in some way different and inferior or bad. We all are capable of developing shame.
- Shame occurs when we devalue ourselves for behaving in a way which attracts disapproval or ridicule
- You may feel shame or be shamed by others.
- Shame has emotional, behavioural and physiological components. These feelings may have been established in the past or present.
- When you label yourself as e.g. inferior or bad, your shame increases.
- Shame is felt when we want to feel good about ourselves but others will not allow this.
- Your inner bully can make you feel shame and it is a bad idea to be restrained by your bully.
- Shame can bring you to a standstill and you may spend much of your life hiding it or compensating for your shame.
- In order to beat shame you need to admit the truth of the root of your shame with compassion for yourself and acknowledge that types of negative thinking e.g. all-or-nothing thinking, control the functioning of shame.
- Write down the things you feel ashamed about and use your rational and compassionate mind to challenge them by finding alternatives to the shameful thoughts. For example: I am NOT a worthless person because ---------.
- What is occurring when you feel ashamed? Imagine a friend is assisting you – take in their compassion and request what you require of them. How can you change to overcome your shame? How would you act if you felt less shame? Contemplate on taking measures to realize this.
- Your fear of other people’s opinion will be reduced as you try to alter your behaviour. For example if you are dependent on wearing make-up to go out, try not wearing any. Examine and challenge your thoughts.
- Attempt to be less formal with people. Increase your warmth toward them and concentrate less on what is visible.
- Be the initiator in developing positive activities with other people.
- You could try joining a group such as Alcoholics Anonymous – the self-empowerment skills they will teach you will be invaluable.
- Keep a journal of your feelings of shame – this will give you emotional release.
- Try to understand the child in you and accept and love that child.
- Tell yourself each day about one good quality you possess. Do not listen to the shaming voice in your mind.
- Recognize, stand up to or avoid people and situations that trigger your shame.
- Guilt
- Guilt arises from a responsibility for others. We focus on the harm or hurt we may have caused other people. It is often connected to fear and sadness.
- Normal guilt occurs when we think we have done something wrong, and pathological guilt occurs when we have the additional belief that as a result we are a bad person.
- We may resort to self-punishment because we feel that we deserve to be punished since we are a bad person. A common form of self-punishment is self-blame where we blame ourselves entirely for problems. We may take self-blame further and self-harm.
- The problems of life naturally cause guilt which can restrain us but on the bright side, can enable us to acknowledge our damaging behaviour.
- Guilt can trigger self-attacking and shame.
- Guilt occurs when we feel we have not dealt adequately with people, had to turn down their requests or suffered a separation.
- If you suffer guilt because you may think you are a burden or feel you have disappointed others, note that you do not choose to have your emotional problems. If your guilt makes you feel suicidal seek professional help.
- Try to recognize your key guilt areas.
- Let us consider how guilt can be both beneficial and detrimental to your well-being. Write down the ways in which recognizing your guilt helps you. Then think about the ways in which it is not of aid.
- Confront and challenge your guilt by asking yourself the following questions: What am I trying to achieve by endeavouring to be pleasant? Am I taking on too much responsibility? Is this something I learned when young and need to alter now? What made me think this way and how might I alter my behaviour? Does my guilt make me submissive and unable to assert myself for fear of what others may think? What evidence is there for and against my guilt? What are the alternatives to my negative thoughts about guilt? What advice would I give a friend experiencing the same circumstances? How can I reduce and control my guilt?
- It can be helpful to write a review of how you think you may have acquired your guilt and what you could do to challenge your guilty thoughts.
- List the advantages and disadvantages of feeling guilty in a given situation.
- How does guilt benefit your life? How is it detrimental to your well-being?
- List all the factors that contribute to your problem.
- Coping With the Need for Approval
- If you excessively seek approval, the needs of others will become more important than your own.
- You can become trapped in seeking approval when the means of achieving approval becomes to be increasingly subordinate. You avoid your own needs and try to please others.
- People can become subordinate to a way of life or to others.
- Conflict over whether you live for yourself or for others can lead to a loss of identity. This is linked to loss of composure and reduced confidence due to lack of control over where your life is going.
- Build your confidence by increasing the positives in your life and be serious about your own requirements and try not to criticize yourself.
- In your relationships with others remember that approval has to go both ways.
- Receiving a lot of criticisms and put downs is linked to mental ill-health. These can be verbal, non-verbal or even physical attacks. You may believe the bully or feel weak if you cannot deal with your adversary but the best option is to remove yourself from their presence or seek help from others.
- Record negative thoughts you have, as you monitored anxious thoughts in Challenging Anxious Thoughts. Try to recognize the types of negative thinking (biases) in the thoughts you note. See Challenging Anxious Thoughts. Use your rational and compassionate mind to challenge the negative thinking. Rate your distress before and after you challenge these negative thoughts.
- How do you deal with approval? Are you able to accept the nice things said about you? If not, record your thoughts and challenge them.
- What goes through your mind when you have made an effort and others do not notice? Do you think you are making too much of the circumstances? Are you feeling strongly self-critical? Challenge these thoughts with alternatives.
- Do you feel you must please others? What would happen if you did not succumb to the wishes of others? Would you label yourself as selfish? Write down your thoughts and challenge them. What thoughts prevent you from being your own person? Is it possible that your thinking can consider both yours and the other person’s perspective?
- Are you blaming yourself for being the target of a bully? Do you believe the bully? If so, think about how you can challenge this and how a sympathetic friend would talk to you.
- Forgiveness
- Focus on the meanings in your anger in order to be assertive. Concentrate on the hurt and important topics causing the disagreement rather than self attacking or hitting out.
- Avoid spreading guilt, sulking, aggression and fearful retreating, since these are all non-assertive behaviours.
- Try not to get angry with yourself for lack of assertiveness. This way you will stop your internal bully from taking control.
- Reconciliation and forgiveness are crucial after a disagreement. You may have certain beliefs that prevent this – explore and try to alter them.
- Forgiveness is assertive behaviour. You set yourself free from feeling victimized and wishing to avenge yourself.
- Think about examples of assertive behaviour. Avoid attacking the other person. Clarify what you want to say and concentrate on a particular topic. Be willing to make exchanges and reach settlements by concessions on each side. This should not be seen as being weak. Try rehearsing what you want to say. This can be more productive than hasty action when angry.
- If you have a problem of self-directed anger, practice saying assertive things to yourself.
- Give yourself time to think in an argument. You could ask the other person to expand on their worries rather than rushing to take the defensive.
- Acknowledge the other person’s view then give your own factual version. Try to avoid attacking each other.
- You need to spend time forgiving others and live in the present not the past. Note the pros and cons of this and how it would help you. What is hindering you? Employ your rational and compassionate self to find alternatives to your negative beliefs.
- If you feel unable to come to terms with your hurt you should seek help.
- Try the Buddhist ‘loving kindness’ meditation. Go through a simple relaxation exercise to calm your breathing then imagine yourself as a person who needs loving kindness. Visualize yourself lying there with loving kindness directed at
- Let go of bad feelings and forgive yourself. Next imagine loving kindness directed at others. If they have hurt you, visualize forgiveness for them. This does not mean you should condone their behaviour but release yourself from damaging feelings.
- Frustration
- Disappointment can be caused by things such as our feelings regarding our private life and obstruction to life goals.
- When our ideals are unrealistic we can be set up for disappointment.
- The frustration caused by disappointment frequently leads to thoughts that attack yourself (your internal bully) or others. You need to recognize these thoughts and challenge them.
- As frustration increases you are likely to use types of negative thinking e.g. all-or-nothing thinking.
- Try to set a boundary to the effects of disappointments on yourself so that you are not propelled into feeling low.
- Make two columns – one for ideal thoughts and the other for actual thoughts. Write down these thoughts the last time you experienced anger and disappointment. Next note any thoughts created by this disappointment that attack yourself then any that attack others.
- Consider if you use any types of negative thinking e.g. disregarding the positives, over-generalizing. See Challenging Anxious Thoughts.
- How would you advise a friend who has suffered this disappointment? Is there evidence to support your ability to deal successfully with this?
- Do not over look problems where you fail to differentiate between your behaviour and your ‘self’.
- Examine the compelling force of ‘should’ and ‘must’ behaviour in your life. Does it create more pain? If so consider how it does so.
- Are you ashamed at not attaining your ideals and hence feel disappointed?
- Most importantly ask yourself are your ideals realistic?
- Competitiveness and Perfectionism
- Most of our problems arise from failing, so learning how to fail without attacking yourself is useful in gaining more control over your mood. Without realizing it, because of the pressure to succeed, we can become competitive and perfectionist people who are daunted by the thought of failure.
- Perfectionism leads to frequent disappointments which results in feeling low.
- Perfectionism can lead to competitiveness when we want to be seen as superior and wish to avoid inferiority.
- To find out in which areas of your life your competitiveness lies ask yourself which areas of your life you would not settle for being average and which concern you regarding what others possess, are achieving or doing.
- A problem with perfectionism is that you evaluate yourself on the products of your activities and disregard your efforts.
- Competitiveness and perfectionism can be directed at our self or at others or we may feel it is expected of us.
- Another problem with competitiveness and perfectionism is that your internal bully often directs frustration and anger toward yourself.
- You may become self-centered from perfectionism and competitiveness if you let your inner bully take control.
- You may experience frustrative anger, anxiety or guilt at not succeeding, because of your negative thinking styles.
- As a result self-attacking or attacking others may increase, leading to you feeling more low.
- You need to consider how you cope with yourself and others when you cannot meet your ideal standards.
- In order to identify your competitiveness and perfectionism think about an occasion when you did not succeed at something. What were your ideals regarding the matter? What were you hoping to achieve and why would that have been good? Were you afraid of inferiority or were you seeking superiority? Were you attempting to attain your own ideals or those dictated by others? Was your objective to gain the favour of others? Are you success orientated or do you try to avoid failure?
- Praise yourself for even your little successes.
- Examine your actions when you fail. Do you attack yourself or others? What do you say in these circumstances? Do you accept failure, if so why? Write these down to make things clearer for yourself. Next explore if you use types of negative thinking e.g. all-or-nothing thinking.
- Learn how to fail so that you need not fear achieving success. Use your rational and compassionate mind to ask yourself firstly how you would advise a friend, then what you wish them to say to you. Can you find alternatives to challenge your negative thoughts and feelings?
- Try to break things up into a manageable size and proceed in steps concentrating on your achievements rather than what you have been unable to do.
- Set realistic standards, become tolerant of others’ mistakes and learn to identify what is ‘good enough’ and accept it.
- Is your life pleasurable or do you not enjoy things? Can you complete one task today? Consider how you might obtain help from others?
- Learn to accept yourself thus gaining confidence and enjoy your success.
- Why Do You Remain In Abusive Relationships?
- Enormous effort goes into remaining in an abusive relationship.
- You may deny that there is a problem - a defense mechanism learned in childhood.
- Abuse should not be minimized – all abuse is bad.
- It may be you are deluded – you believe one thing despite definite evidence to the contrary.
- Often the reality of the situation is numbed by using alcohol or drugs.
- You may resort to relieving tension by adopting compulsive behaviours such as shopping, sex, gambling and comfort eating or not eating.
- Feelings of shame and secrecy may cause you to decline help and remain stuck.
- Support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and private therapy can guide you in developing good coping strategies.
Exercise:
Consider abusive situations and people and the coping strategy you used. Make a list of good coping strategies you could use instead e.g. keeping a diary, talking to a supportive friend, doing relaxing activities, exercising and planning your future.
- See ‘Coping Strategies Counselling Advice’ in the Forward Counselling Advice Service.
- Women are taught from an early age that it is their responsibility to take care of others. This sets them up for future destructive relationships. They often exhaust themselves doing favours for others without being repaid.
- Care taking tendencies can arise from being a narcissist. When you help others you are making yourself feel better by distracting yourself from your own deficiencies and gaining a sense of power while, seeing those you help as weak.
- By taking care of others you rob them of the opportunity to learn personal responsibility to cope successfully in the world.
- Nice people are actually manipulating others – it is their way of avoiding emotional contact.
Exercise:
Consider when you tend to take care of people. For each person ask you:
- What does s/he want from me? ;
- How do I feel about the request? ;
- What does s/he do if I do not comply and how does s/he make me feel? ;
- Do I believe what s/he says and that s/he will care less for me if you do not comply?
- Is it damaging for him/her if I do not comply or am I setting limits and demanding respect?
- You may communicate by:
- 1. Expecting others to be mind readers
- 2. Plotting revenge when denied what you want
- 3. Demanding what you want
- 4. Being reasonable and respectful in your requests
Exercise:
Practice making your needs clear to others, and saying ‘No’ in an assertive manner.
- Developing Good Coping Strategies: Assertiveness Training
- The aim of assertive behaviour is to stand up for your legitimate rights and face others without putting yourself or them down.
- Assertiveness training teaches you to increase the number and variety of situations in which you are assertive.
- There are three types of interpersonal behaviour:
- Aggressive – you may be forceful in expressing your opinions, feelings and wants.
- Passive – your opinions, feelings and wants may be withheld completely or partly.
- Assertive - opinions, feelings and wants are stated with respect for the rights of others.
- Make sure you are aware of your fundamental rights which include:
- asking for what you want;
- saying ‘No’ without guilt;
- not being perfect;
- being ignorant about something;
- being responsible for your actions;
- having your own perspective and emotions;
- being indecisive;
- choosing whether or not to deal with others’ difficulties;
- expecting privacy, independence and success.
- There are five steps to being assertive:
- What do you want? ;
- What is fair? ;
- Be clear in asking for it;
- Contemplate and be ready for the risks;
- Stay calm
- Practice your arguments in advance and repeat yourself to get the message across. Be prepared to negotiate.
- Think about situations in which you are not assertive and how you could change this and be assertive.
- Write out a detailed description of problem scenes – note when and where the problem occurs; who is involved; what your difficulties are; how you handle it; your fear of what will happen if you are assertive; your goal.
- To deal with a problem situation:
- Consider your rights and wants.
- Unless spontaneous action is required, arrange a mutually convenient time to discuss your problem with the other person.
- Define the problem as specifically as possible.
- Describe your feelings using ‘I’ messages, to give the other person an understanding of how important the issue is to you.
- Make your request in one or two simple but firm sentences.
- Give positive reinforcement to get what you want e.g. we’ll be able to spend more time together. If this will be ineffective try negative reinforcement, describing the alternative way you will look after yourself if your wishes are not met.
- You need to arrive at a workable compromise. Agree to review this after a specified length of time and if you are not both satisfied you can renegotiate.
- Avoid being manipulated – techniques include:
- ‘Broken Record’ where you choose a concise assertive statement to say over and over to get your message across.
- Delay responding to a challenging statement until you are more prepared.
- Inviting criticism may reveal what is troubling the other person.
- When someone puts you down, acknowledge something you can agree with in their criticism and ignore the rest.
- You can change the focus, from discussing the topic to analyzing the interaction between the two of you.
- In instances where you lack time you could use the short form assertiveness technique. Consider:
- Your thoughts – state the facts as: ‘I think…’
- Your feelings - express as ‘I’ statements: ‘I feel…’
- Your wants – specify behaviour change as: ‘I want…’
- You need to develop assertive body language. Practice the following basic rules in front of a mirror so that you learn how to apply them to problem situations:
- Maintain eye contact and an erect body posture.
- Speak clearly and firmly.
- Emphasize what you are saying with gestures and facial expressions.
- Learn to listen assertively:
- Make sure you are both ready to listen.
- Listen giving the other person your full attention and ask them to clarify if necessary.
- Let the other person know you have heard what s/he has expressed to you.
- Practice being more assertive in problem situations and consider how it makes you feel.
- Role-playing is a good way to improve your assertiveness in a safe environment before trying it out in real life situations.
- Mood
- Your mood affects almost every area of your life. Irregularities in your mood lead to feeling irritable with no obvious trigger. When this is the case almost anything can set off your anger.
- The main factors influencing your mood and how you can attain a stable good mood are considered below.
- Your body wants to eat and sleep regularly so you need to form a good circadian rhythm or daily routine. Make a list of your rising time, mealtimes and bedtime and try to keep to within 30 minutes of these times either way. Record the actual times you eat and sleep in a diary.
- Exercise is good for you and it need not be strenuous – do not undertake strenuous exercise without consulting your doctor. Wear comfortable and even stylish shoes and think of exercise as important. Exercising will increase your energy. Try exercising earlier in the day if you are usually too tired in the evening. You should get as much exercise as you want. Keep a diary of how much exercise you are getting. This can be part of your routine (e.g. walking between places) or planned timetabled exercise (e.g. going for a swim).
- Eat a balanced diet and make sure you chew your food well to digest it properly. Drink plenty of water. You should eat mostly fruits and vegetables, least of high fat foods such as cake and chocolate and a moderate amount of foods such as bread, rice and potatoes and high protein foods such as meat and fish with less of the latter category than the former.
- Cut down on your stimulant intake to about three cups of coffee a day. Reduce your alcohol intake to 21 units a week for a man and 14 for a woman. Go easy on nicotine and other ‘recreational’ drugs. Try to get down to your recommended alcohol intake. If you need help to do this your doctor may be able to suggest someone or you could contact Alcoholic Anonymous (contact number available from local phone book) – you do not need to be drinking excessively to enlist their help.
- Get into the routine of getting a good night’s sleep. Rise and eat regularly and reduce your stimulants and alcohol intake. Get sufficient physical and mental exercise in the day and be less active before you go to bed so that you do so more relaxed. Make sure you are adequately full and have a regular bedtime. Try to go to bed happy and comfortable without any disturbances such as external noise.
- If your bad mood is due to illness then try to get well. When this is not possible endeavour to blame your illness rather than other people. For those whose bad mood is caused by depression see ‘Overcoming Depression’ in the Forward Counselling Advice Service.
- Reduce the effects of stress on your life by:
- Examining the pressures you are under and removing one or two of these stresses;
- Learning to deal with the stresses more effectively – identify your stresses and ask others how they cope with those stresses then make a plan of action and implement it;
- Viewing your stresses in a different way and acting on this new view.
- Nurture and consolidate your intimate, work and outside of work and intimacy relationships (e.g. friends and neighbours). Beware of distributing disturbances in one area to the other two areas.
- Anger Management
- We may get angry in circumstances when something of importance to us is harmed or is under threat of harm.
- Anger is linked to feelings of frustration. People or things are not as we wish them to be.
- Feelings of anger increase when low and may be directed at yourself or other people. You may become excessively angry and explode or you may conceal your anger.
- You may or may not be aware that your anger is associated with shame.
- Consider whether you are over exaggerating the harm done or could be done.
- Learn how to manage your anger, rather than letting it control you or blocking it out.
- Brooding on angry thoughts turns on our fight/flight system making us feel more aroused. The chemicals released can do damage if they are not put to use.
- Negative self-beliefs may prevent you from examining your anger and putting it to use assertively. Some examples are: Others are more powerful and I will never succeed in arguing against them. I am wicked and unlovable when angry. My parents taught me that anger is bad.
- Think about the last time you were angry and write down some of your thoughts. Examine if you are using any of the types of negative thoughts e.g. all-or-nothing thinking.
- Notice the danger signs if you tend to get excessively angry and tell yourself to keep your distance. Return to the issue when you feel more settled. Consider what was going through your mind and what the early feelings were – did the anger build up and could you recognize the danger signals?
- If you feel very angry stop any action and count to ten slowly, taking deep breaths. You need to draw your attention away from the cause of your anger. You could try leaving the room. In this way you maintain your calm and will have adequate control of yourself.
- To deal with negative beliefs for avoiding anger make flash cards with your negative beliefs on one side and on the other, challenge them with alternatives. What are the pros and cons of altering your beliefs?
- An exercise to release your anger and still maintain control, for those afraid of expressing their anger is to kneel by your bed and hit it with a rolled up newspaper, speaking or shouting your thoughts about your anger. Allow yourself to cry if you wish when your angry thoughts have diminished. Then lie on your bed and think to yourself that your anger is over and use calming imagery to soothe yourself. Note that you have been able to control your anger and need not fear it. When you feel more settled write down what you said or shouted when you were angry. Examine your thoughts for extremes that should be challenged.
- See ‘Overcoming Anger’ in the Forward Counselling Advice Service.
- You need to learn to deal with your anger effectively rather than suppressing it or being enraged.
- Keep Notes About Your Anger
- When and why you are angry; your thoughts and behaviour when angry; rate how strong your anger is using the scale 0-10, (0 is irritated, 10 is enraged).
- Make honest, daily anger notes for a fortnight or more, dating each entry – this will enable you to see what things need to be improved.
- Answer the following questions in your notebook:
- How frequently do I get angry? Do others know when I am angry? Does my anger help me to cope? Is my anger preventing recovery? What do I achieve from being angry? Can I obtain these things in other ways? Do I express anger in ways others expressed anger in my childhood or differently? Do I feel relief from getting angry? Are there alternatives to getting angry yet achieving the same sense of relief? Could I consider forgiveness as opposed to revenge or a compromise between the two?
- Dealing With Bodily Sensations:
- Consider the physical sensations that tell you that you are becoming angry e.g. do you become tense and sweat?
- Control your physical sensations due to anger, by using the Controlled Breathing and Relaxation techniques:
- Dealing With Bodily Experiences: Controlling Your Breathing
- Hyperventilation – faster breathing occurs in response to exertion and stress. In the long-term this can be uncomfortable and cause unpleasant physical symptoms which trigger more anxiety and more hyperventilation. Another cycle of stress is set up and can result in a panic attack.
- You can rectify hyperventilation by learning to control your breathing.
- First practice lying down and later sitting or standing. Place one hand on your stomach and the other on your chest. Breathe in slowly through your nose until your lungs are full then exhale slowly through your nose. Breathing in and out counts as one breath – aim to take 8-12 breaths a minute.
- In order to be effective you need to practice this exercise repeatedly.
- Dealing With Bodily Experiences: Relaxation
- You need to develop relaxation into a skill you can use when you feel muscular tension due to stress.
- Try to develop a routine and practice your relaxation exercises. Start by lying down and later you can try sitting or standing. Control your breathing.
- Record your experiences noting the date and time. Rate your distress before the relaxation exercise, 1-10 (1 is tense and 10 is very relaxed). Which exercise did you use? Rate your distress afterwards. Make notes of the sort of day it was, your preoccupations etc.
- Below are three exercises – only move to the next one when you are fully relaxed after a routine.
- Progressive Muscular Relaxation (PMR) – Breathe slowly and regularly as you focus on different parts of the body: feet – tense your feet then relax and repeat; legs – straighten your legs then relax and repeat; abdomen – tense your abdomen then relax and repeat; back – arc your back then relax and repeat; shoulders/neck – bring your shoulders up and in and press your head back. Relax and repeat; arms – stretch out your arms and hands. Relax and repeat; face – tense your face and bite hard then relax and repeat; whole body – tense your whole body then relax and repeat.
After the routine if you still feel tense then repeat it then when you are relaxed think of something calming to relax your mind. Get up slowly and gently.
You should practice PMR twice a day until you feel relaxed after the exercise. - Shortened PMR – You can miss out the tensing and go straight to relaxing the different muscles. When you have achieved this you can progress to using the routine at other times and places.
- Simple Relaxation Routine – Identify a word, object or scene you find calming. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Be aware of your breathing as you inhale through your nose. As you exhale, think about your calming mental image. Continue this until you feel relaxed. You should practice this exercise frequently.
- Progressive Muscular Relaxation (PMR) – Breathe slowly and regularly as you focus on different parts of the body: feet – tense your feet then relax and repeat; legs – straighten your legs then relax and repeat; abdomen – tense your abdomen then relax and repeat; back – arc your back then relax and repeat; shoulders/neck – bring your shoulders up and in and press your head back. Relax and repeat; arms – stretch out your arms and hands. Relax and repeat; face – tense your face and bite hard then relax and repeat; whole body – tense your whole body then relax and repeat.
- When you have learned to relax using the three exercises you can start to use the skills throughout the day. Use something to remind you regularly to relax. Apply your relaxation skills whenever you need to use them in response to physical tension.
- As well as the above techniques you could try healthy physical exertion e.g. taking a vigorous walk.
- Keep Notes About Your Anger
- Specific Anger Management Techniques
- The ‘Time-out’ technique:
Discuss with your partner and others concerned beforehand that as part of learning to control your anger, you will take a ‘Time-out’ next time you are angry. This means that you will leave to be alone for no more or less than an hour, when you feel your anger rising. During this time you should not drink or drive. Use any technique that will help you to calm down and not over react when you return e.g. controlled breathing or physical exertion. Explain to those concerned that you are not rejecting them nor should they worry about you when you need to be alone to calm down. Request their support in your efforts at anger management.
- The ‘Thermometer’ technique:
- Visualize a large thermometer with red mercury to represent your temper. Allow yourself to see the graduation marks.
- When you are calm there is just enough mercury for effective interaction with others. As you become agitated the temperature will rise – you will be aware of bodily sensations such as quickened breathing and flaring nostrils.
- All thermometers have marks at the top for a ‘danger zone’ and you need to bring the mercury down before you get into this zone where you will lose control over your thinking so will be unable to act appropriately.
- Use controlled breathing or the ‘time-out’ technique or any other means to get the mercury to fall to a safe level where you are in control of your anger.
- When you reach room temperature level you can deal with the situation in a rational manner.
- You will need to use this technique regularly for effective results.
- The ‘Assertive Communication’ technique:
- Clarify what you want to discuss that is upsetting you.
- Communicate your feelings using ‘I’ statements e.g. ‘I am frustrated…’
- Specify the action you want to happen.
- State any stipulations or consequences.
- Thank the other person for listening.
- Try rehearsing the ‘Assertive Communication’ technique before an encounter.
- If you are doing yourself physical damage e.g. cutting or self-mutilating, you are not coping and should seek the help of a professional.
- The ‘Time-out’ technique:
- Dealing with Problem Behaviour – Problem-Solving
- Problems of any sort can cause distress - the problem-solving approach can be useful in these cases. You learn to focus your thinking and find solutions to your problem instead of panicking. There are six steps in problem-solving:
- Define the Problem – Be specific and try to break the problem into more manageable tasks. Do one task at a time. Choose your task and specify your goal.
- List Solutions – Try to write down as many ideas, to solve your problem, as you can.
- Evaluate the Pros and Cons of Each Solution – Consider your solutions and reject the unsuitable ones. List the remaining solutions in order of usefulness.
- Selecting a Solution and Planning Action - Choose your first solution and decide how you will put it into action. Rehearse your task and make sure you have a back-up plan in case your task does not go as planned.
- Do it - Attempt your solution.
- Review the Result of the Solution – If your solution is successful try to understand why it was so. If your solution is unsuccessful, try to comprehend why it did not work. Praise yourself for having tried and choose your next solution from your list.
- Problems of any sort can cause distress - the problem-solving approach can be useful in these cases. You learn to focus your thinking and find solutions to your problem instead of panicking. There are six steps in problem-solving:
- Dealing With Relationships
- Interpersonal relationships may have caused your emotional problem or may be preventing you from recovering – in any event interpersonal relationships will be affected by your emotional problem.
- You need to understand your personal relationships and be able to deal with them effectively.
- Draw interpersonal maps for:
- How your interpersonal relationships are at present;
- How your interpersonal relationships might be now if you did not suffer from your emotional problem;
- How your interpersonal relationships will be in 10 years if you continue to suffer from your emotional problem;
- How you would ideally like your interpersonal relationships to be.
These will summarize all your relationships and allow you to recognize any changes you may desire.
- List all your important relationships and put yourself in the middle of the map in a circle.
- Place each person’s name in a circle on the map, around you in the middle – the closer the relationship to you, the closer the circle to you.
- Join these circle’s to you in the middle with an arrow outward if it is you mainly giving; an arrow inward if you are mainly receiving; a two-way arrow if giving and receiving is balanced; a question mark if you are unsure.
- Examine these maps noting any differences and set yourself goals to make any desired changes to your relationships.
- For each relationship ask yourself:
- who initiates and terminates contact;
- are you happy with how often you see this person? ;
- who decides what to do or what to talk about? ;
- is there a balance between giving and receiving? ;
- do you want to alter the relationship in anyway?
- Consider questions such as:
- who could I confide in and get advice from? ;
- who would be there for me if I fell ill? ;
- who would lend me money at very short notice?
- Next time you have contact with each person, examine the relationship – participate and observe. Were your predictions correct? – If not, what was different?
- When you have a complete picture of your relationships, think about how you maintain them and in what way you want to change your relationships.
- Two important reasons for making changes are:
- A balanced and supportive social network is necessary for your well-being;
- By altering your relationships but avoiding being controlling, you may increase your sense of control.
- Start by making small changes and monitoring progress. You could also try discussing what you have learned about the relationship with the individual.
- You And Your Family
- You may want reconciliation and improved relationships with your family, or compromise or you may want to distance yourself from your family.
- Record your feelings and the trigger for them, when you are with your family.
- Establish ground rules for dealing with your family. List what you want or need from your family. How can you ensure you get what you need?
- In order to understand the difficulties you face visualize an event where you state what you need. What feelings and associated thoughts do you have?
- To be assertive you need to think about what you need or want; what is in accordance with reason and just? Make a reasonable proposal which is often a compromise; what would be the results of your proposal not being adequately thought about?
- If assertiveness is a problem for you consider doing an assertiveness training course.
- Removing The Obstacles To Intimacy
- Record and examine closely the things that prevent you from achieving intimacy with someone. Note your thoughts and reactions when you distance yourself from a friend or end a relationship and make an analysis e.g. are you overgeneralising?
- Social inadequacy can be an obstacle to intimacy. Apply your assertiveness skills to your social and work life and observe how socially skilled people handle situations in particular difficult ones. Rehearse your social behaviours so that you are comfortable with them.
- Try to grasp your anxious thoughts, examine them closely and if required, challenge them. What are your anxious thoughts? Is your outlook biased – are there misjudgments? Consider the evidence to support and discount your thoughts.
- See ‘Overcoming Social Phobia’ in the Forward Counselling Advice Service.
- It is possible to become over-intimate and make ourselves vulnerable to exploitation. Trust can be given in a series of stages and you can fluctuate as to how much you trust someone.
- Communication is necessary for all relationships. Record the feelings which threaten your relationship (e.g. jealousy) and grasp the automatic thoughts. Analyze them and find alternative ways of dealing with the situation.
- Self-Empowerment
- You need to be responsible for your own life and be aware that you may have chosen to remain in abusive relationships in the past but equally you can choose to be successful and happy.
- Consider the thoughts you have about yourself. Try not to listen to voices that make you think negatively about yourself.
- Have you pursued goals that interest you and stood up for your self or have you kept silent and adjusted your plans to suit your abusers?
Exercise:
Write down your goals in life. How will you feel and behave when you are successful and happy? What are the obstacles to achieving your goals?
Exercise:
Write down what self-empowerment means to you: Your own house? ; Education? ; Financial stability? This list will clarify what you need to plan towards attaining in your life.
- Others may be critical of the new ‘you’ but your enthusiasm should make them accept the change. If not then you need to discuss with them why they want you to remain unhappy.
Exercise:
If you were to become terminally ill, how would you spend your last months and towards the end of that time what would you regret not accomplishing in your life?
- You need to take action rather than just say things – actions speak louder than words.
- Commit yourself to a goal, take action and attain what you want. Consider what you will have to do to achieve your goal. Describe your goal in your journal. It should be measurable and be achieved by a specified time. Formulate a strategy to achieve your goal, planning in small steps. Get the support of others in attaining your goal.
- To be successful you need to confront your fears. Consider the worst-case scenario when you are approaching change you fear. Only by facing your fears, can you overcome them.
Exercise:
Write down how you visualize your new life. Describe your environment, appearance, prospects and circumstances.
- You may be diverted from the direct path to your goal – beware of this as it will take you longer to achieve your goal and you may give up due to exhaustion.
- Dealing With Your Abusers
- You may have to deal with your abusers on a daily basis – the abusive situation may be at work, with your spouse, parents, children or friend(s).
- Your abusers intend and plan their abuse – they want control over you so they do not feel so powerless and ashamed of themselves.
- You need to have total control over your behaviour – do not believe or respond to what your abusers say about you. In this way your decision making will be better in the relationships.
Exercise:
Write down whether or not you should be treated with respect and feel contentment.
Should you mix with people who think highly of you or those who put you down?
Consider the worst-case scenario if you express how you feel to your abuser, to overcome your fears and take action to express yourself. Be assertive and request what you need. Tell people you want privacy when this is necessary.
- An abusive ex is not likely to have changed for the better after separation. If your ex continues to disrupt your life, you should limit contact with him to just what is necessary.
- You can limit contact with parents and siblings who are abusive to you. You could try asking your abuser why they are being unkind and to explain their behaviour. Remember you deserve kindness and respect and can request your abuser to stop the abuse.
- You need to end any abusive friendships – it may mean you do not have any friends left but you can go out and find new friends who treat you with respect. Remember ‘Birds of a feather flock together’. If you do not think highly of yourself your friends will also have a low opinion of you. When you feel you deserve better your friends will treat you with respect.
- It may not always be in your interests to quit a job in which the boss or coworkers are abusive. In this instance you need to persevere as long as necessary, telling yourself that you will not let their abuse get to you and that they have problems in their own lives to treat you this way.
- Your children should not be allowed to abuse you. You are your children’s role model and you need to demand their respect and show them that they should respect authority.
- Abusers are deliberately cruel to gain control over another person. They need to explore this need for power and learn new ways of relating to others. With self-motivation an abuser can change but it takes a lot of effort over a long time.
- When you have developed a positive self-concept you will need to choose whether or not you want to have someone in your life who does not respect you. You may request they change their behaviour or exit your life, or you may choose to not allow their behaviour to affect you.
Exercise:
Consider what your abuser says or does when s/he abuses you and formulate what you will say or do in assertive response.
- When you have high self-esteem you will form healthy relationships with others who will treat you fairly as they wish to be treated.
- Constructing Healthy Relationships
- Witnessing domestic abuse has a detrimental psychological affect on children. Such children are more likely to become abusers or be abused in future relationships.
- You need to be a good role model to your children.
- You may have restricted yourself by constructing ways in which you ‘should’ behave e.g. you need to be supported by your husband as you SHOULD stay home with your children. Ask yourself – is perfect behaviour always possible?
- Your children deserve to feel loved and that they are important to you. Their needs will not be met when you are involved in abusive relationships.
- You do not have power over being abused but you do have control over your response to the abuse – you can request the abuse stop and take assertive action to alter the situation if the abuse persists.
- It is always possible to make different choices to create a more positive future for you and your children.
- Conclusion
- First impressions last – so try to make good first impressions and set limits in your relationships.
- You need to have your own interests, make your own choices, be aware of whether or not you are happy, be independent and expect respect from those with whom you relate.
- All your relationships may be unhealthy but you should be able to cope with some time on your own and when you expect others to respect you, your life will soon be full of healthy relationships.
Exercise:
For each type of relationship (romantic, friend, parents, children etc) list the qualities you desire in them. If you do not know what you are looking for, how will you know you have found it?
Order the qualities according to their importance to you and if a person does not have the first ten attributes then they are not good enough for you.
But do you possess these characteristics you are looking for, or are you trying to complete yourself with others who have the qualities you lack? You need to work on any deficiencies and know that to command respect you need to give it too.
For healthy relationships:
- You need a non-threatening relationship in which you feel safe to express yourself.
- Be open to compromise.
- Communicate openly and honestly.
- Share responsibilities and respect each other.
- Be independent
- You need to trust each other and be supportive too.
- Always keep in mind that although you may not have control over others abusing you, you can control how much contact you have with abusive people. Ask them why they are being abusive and if they do not stop, take positive action.
- You should now be ready to have control in all your relationships and move forward with confidence.
Exercise:
Consider and write down past incidents when you felt like a victim. What were the circumstances and how could you have done things differently? Notice you always have a choice – are there any apparent patterns?
Exercise:
Consider and write down how you dealt with past abuses. Who and what did it involve? How did you feel and what action did you take? Is there a pattern? Do you accept your abuse and stay silent, feeling worthless, sad or hopeless? What excuses did you give for the abuse?
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