Overcoming Anger
Contents | |
- What is Anger?
- The majority of us have experienced anger and irritability, both of which have a variety of forms.
- Anger can be justified and it is only when we over react that our faults may be pointed out.
- To be irritable suggests that it is unjustified and people are frequently open to criticism for being irritable.
- Sometimes we may lose our out look on what is justified and later are appalled by what we have done.
- What Causes Anger?
- Anger occurs when:
- You are obstructed from achieving an important goal
- Personal rules important to you are violated
- Your self-esteem seems threatened in some way.
- You may retaliate directly or indirectly, displace your anger onto someone or something else, or you may withdraw from the situation.
- Prolonged anger increases the risk of coronary heart disease and other physical disorders and affects relationships, work performance and social life.
- Expressing your anger only reinforces it.
- You need to understand that it is not other people that make you angry. It is your thinking about a situation and not the situation, which causes your anger.
- We may get angry in circumstances when something of importance to us is harmed or is under threat of harm.
- Anger is linked to feelings of frustration. People or things are not as we wish them to be.
- Feelings of anger increase when low and may be directed at yourself or other people. You may become excessively angry and explode or you may conceal your anger.
- You may or may not be aware that your anger is associated with shame.
- Consider whether you are over exaggerating the harm done or could be done.
- Learn how to manage your anger, rather than letting it control you or blocking it out.
- Note the types of things that make you angry for use as you proceed with overcoming your anger.
- There are three classes of things that make people angry:
- Irritants such as people coughing and sneezing;
- Costs – Things that people do that have a cost for us e.g. the financial cost of our children breaking something;
- Transgressions – the breaking of a rule that you expect other people to keep and follow.
- Some things that cause anger may be due to more than one of the above categories at the same time
- Anger occurs when:
- Why Are You Not Constantly Angry?
- Our inhibitions are basic rules we make for ourselves. They are like a self-control mechanism that prevents us from going over the limit. This ability to control our anger is crucial.
- Note that over angry people react out of proportion to the circumstances causing the reaction. Inhibitions do not necessarily prevent you from getting angry but frequently ensure that you maintain sufficient control.
- Typically there are two sorts of inhibition. Internal inhibitions are thoughts and moral rules we set ourselves. External inhibitions are an acknowledgement of the results which would ensue if you were to over react.
- Building a Model to Explain Anger
- TRIGGER – What sets off our anger.
- ANGER – The result of the trigger.
- INHIBITIONS – That which prevents us from losing control and becoming over angry.
- REACTION – From totally controlling our anger to letting it wreck havoc.
- When angry it is best to slowly let your anger dissipate.
- Why Don’t Others Feel Angry Too?
- We all view things differently. It is how we view an event that causes it to be a trigger for our anger.
- TRIGGER
APPRAISAL – This is our perception of the trigger. We can determine whether we will get angry and to what extent ANGER INHIBITIONS REACTION
- Why Don’t We All Get Angry About The Same Things?
- We appraise and judge events differently because of our beliefs which have developed over the years.
- Our beliefs are the basis of our inhibitions.
- [BELIEFS] [TRIGGER APPRAISAL ANGER INHIBITIONS REACTION]
- Why Am I Sometimes More Prone To Anger?
- The variations in our mood, affects the intimacy of our relationships.
- [BELIEFS + MOOD] [TRIGGER APPRAISAL ANGER INHIBITIONS REACTION]
- Factors which influence our mood include: Illness, lack of routine, not enough exercise, poor diet, consumption of drugs and stimulants, insufficient sleep, life stresses, social factors such as bereavement, arguments, separation and divorce.
- The above can be altered so that we are less likely to get angry and are more stable in our moods.
- Is Anger Always Wrong?
- Anger is all right in that we all get angry on occasion – it is a part of life.
- However anger is not as influential as positive behaviour.
- Anger does tend to discourage unwanted behaviour but is best employed in small amounts.
- Irritability appears to be purposeless and unjustified.
- Too much anger is counter-productive.
- Trigger
- It is crucial to be aware of what sets off your anger. This will enable you to remove the trigger if possible or take other action.
- Keep a diary to help you recognize what triggers your anger. Write down the trigger – include day, date and time. Note your response – what did you do?
- You need to become an expert on what triggers your anger. Is it particular, such as the neighbours playing loud music or is it spread widely such as your children being careless? Is it internal such as you being tired or external such as someone breaking a cup?
- Try to get rid of your triggers if you can but if not continue, to learn how to deal with the situation when a trigger cannot be removed.
- Appraisal
- When you get angry and others do not it is because you have made different appraisals and judgements about the circumstances.
- Errors made in appraisal and judgement include: selective perception (noticing just one part of the whole situation), mind-reading (thinking you know someone’s thoughts when you do not), awfulizing (when you do not get your wishes you see the situation as ‘awful’), using emotive language (describing events in ways that are likely to get you worked up – using strong words) and over-generalizing (noticing something true and making generalizations about it).
- Think of an example of each of the above from your own behaviour. Analyze the situations noting the errors you are making.
- Improve your appraisals and judgements by:
- Recognizing and setting the error right;
- Considering how a knowledgeable friend would advise you about the event;
- Reframing the event by looking for the good features or seeing it from an entirely alternative view point;
- Explore the costs and benefits (pros and cons) of your appraisal then see if you can find a more cost-effective way of appraising the situation. What would benefit you the most and cost you the least?
- You need to examine the events that trigger your anger, using the above ways of improving your appraisals and judgements, to get more helpful appraisals and judgements.
- Next you need to fix your new more cost-effective appraisal by behaving that way.
- Record the results to encourage you with your progress.
- Beliefs
- Consider the model for analyzing anger. Your behaviour in certain circumstances due to the way you appraise and judge those circumstances is affected by your beliefs.
- Try to replace your unhelpful beliefs with more helpful ones e.g. Things are awful when they are not as I wish them to be. Change to: Even if things are not as I wish they were it is not the end of the world.
- Thinking the alternative belief is not enough you need to act out the new belief.
- Review and record both situations where you have successfully acted on your new beliefs and those where you may have given in to some of your unhelpful beliefs. In the latter case review the situation as it should have gone rather than how it did go.
- Write down your unhelpful beliefs and for each one the more helpful belief.
- Think about a recent event where your unhelpful beliefs have caused you to appraise the event badly and react with anger. In your mind try to re-enact how you would have viewed the event and acted if you had been using your more helpful beliefs.
- Practice seeing all circumstances through your new beliefs or see them as a role model would view them. Next try to behave according to your new beliefs.
- Review your successes and failures as told above and soon you should have very few of the latter.
- Anger
- When you cannot hit out at the source of your anger it can be displaced on to someone or something else.
- Anger is addictive, normally it will leak away but it can build up into an outburst.
- Recreational anger gives you a ‘buzz’ from thinking lengthily about your anger and how you want to act upon it.
- Whether on the verge of an outburst or in a state of recreational anger you should give yourself time to regain a balanced perspective of the situation. Do not let your anger dictate what to do and occupy yourself with anything else.
- You should ask yourself what a role model would do in your position.
- Next time you get angry, figure out what your anger tells you to do and what your calm self would want to do. Start by working on events that make you only slightly angry and eventually you will be able to hear your calm self even when very angry.
- Remember that we usually want to follow our calm self than be dictated to by our anger.
- Inhibitions
- Inhibitions are of two types: Moral/internal and practical/external inhibitions as given in 3) Why Are You Not Constantly Angry?
- A very low level of anger provides feedback by letting people know that their behaviour is not agreeable to you, and is productive of socialization rather than competitiveness. Any thing above this low level is counter-productive.
- You need to limit your anger to the point of stopping before it starts, by bringing your inhibitions to mind and behaving in line with them. To do this try the traffic lights procedure.
- Write down your inhibitions as this will come in useful later.
- Practice spotting when you become angry (red light). Allow your anger to dissipate as rapidly as possible to a low level (amber light). Only at this stage should you decide the way forward. Next act out your decision as to the way you should proceed (green light).
- Review your successes.
- Reaction
- Since we are all responsible for our own reactions, whatever the trigger, you could go straight to ‘Reaction’ in the model but this is a difficult path.
- You can get yourself to bring about a desirable reaction in three ways:
- Traffic lights technique;
- Using a role-model to set you a good example of how to react when angry and allowing these reactions to become a part of you;
- Reviewing your successes and failures, especially the former, in reacting to your anger. Rehearse a better response to the one you made and avoid simply reliving the event.
- Mood
- Your mood affects almost every area of your life. Irregularities in your mood lead to feeling irritable with no obvious trigger. When this is the case almost anything can set off your anger.
- The main factors influencing your mood and how you can attain a stable good mood are considered below.
- Your body wants to eat and sleep regularly so you need to form a good circadian rhythm or daily routine. Make a list of your rising time, mealtimes and bedtime and try to keep to within 30 minutes of these times either way. Record the actual times you eat and sleep in a diary.
- Exercise is good for you and it need not be strenuous – do not undertake strenuous exercise without consulting your doctor. Wear comfortable and even stylish shoes and think of exercise as important. Exercising will increase your energy. Try exercising earlier in the day if you are usually too tired in the evening. You should get as much exercise as you want. Keep a diary of how much exercise you are getting. This can be part of your routine (e.g. walking between places) or planned timetabled exercise (e.g. going for a swim).
- Eat a balanced diet and make sure you chew your food well to digest it properly. Drink plenty of water. You should eat mostly fruits and vegetables, least of high fat foods such as cake and chocolate and a moderate amount of foods such as bread, rice and potatoes and high protein foods such as meat and fish with less of the latter category than the former.
- Cut down on your stimulant intake to about three cups of coffee a day. Reduce your alcohol intake to 21 units a week for a man and 14 for a woman. Go easy on nicotine and other ‘recreational’ drugs. Try to get down to your recommended alcohol intake. If you need help to do this your doctor may be able to suggest someone or you could contact Alcoholic Anonymous (contact number available from local phone book) – you do not need to be drinking excessively to enlist their help.
- Get into the routine of getting a good night’s sleep. Rise and eat regularly and reduce your stimulants and alcohol intake. Get sufficient physical and mental exercise in the day and be less active before you go to bed so that you do so more relaxed. Make sure you are adequately full and have a regular bedtime. Try to go to bed happy and comfortable without any disturbances such as external noise.
- If your bad mood is due to illness then try to get well. When this is not possible endeavour to blame your illness rather than other people. For those whose bad mood is caused by depression see ‘Overcoming Depression’ in the Forward Counselling Advice Service.
- Reduce the effects of stress on your life by: Examining the pressures you are under and removing one or two of these stresses; Learning to deal with the stresses more effectively – identify your stresses and ask others how they cope with those stresses then make a plan of action and implement it; Viewing your stresses in a different way and acting on this new view.
- Nurture and consolidate your intimate, work and outside of work and intimacy relationships (e.g. friends and neighbours). Beware of distributing disturbances in one area to the other two areas.
- Managing Your Time
- Good time management requires being aware of:
- Your needs and strengths – list these opposite each other.
- Your standard procedure – find out how you use your time at present by keeping a record of how you spend your time. From the record you will be able to work out the best way of working. Try to get a balance of work tasks and include breaks.
- Your priorities – identify and rank in order of priority the different areas of your life. Consider the time you allocate to each and what is realistic and necessary. Perhaps others are making demands of you that you need to be more assertive about?
- Setting reasonable goals – keep in mind the important areas of your life when pursuing goals. Clearly define your goals so you know when you have achieved them. Some goals will need to be broken down into more manageable steps.
- Once you know the above you can draw up a new more efficient schedule. Use an organizer and list long-term (within six months), medium-term (within a month) and short-term (within a week) goals. Set aside time each day to organize. Try to do a ‘To do’ list of prioritized tasks every day. Plan flexibly and review every month.
- Delegating – giving over responsibility with authority, to others for appropriate tasks, is part of good time management.
- Good time management requires being aware of:
- Sleep Management
- The length of sleep necessary varies from person to person.
- Worrying will prevent you from sleeping.
- You need less sleep as you get older.
- Sleep is affected by mood, stress, food, alcohol, exercise and medicines.
- In the long-term, sleeping tablets are not helpful and can be addictive.
- You can manage your sleep problems by changing your behaviour rather than resorting to medication.
- Keep a sleep diary for several nights to ascertain if you have a problem. Note the date and anything that might affect your ability to sleep e.g. your activity before retiring. If you have waking episodes, note your activity to restore sleep. Was it helpful? Next day note the number of hours of sleep you managed to get and rate how alert you feel 1-10 (1 is dull and sleepy and 10 is very alert). Rate your performance that day 1-10 (1 is poor performance and 10 is performed well). If you do have a problem the following suggestions might be helpful:
- Analyze your sleep diary to see if poor sleep is due to stress and is likely to get better as this eases; are there behaviours which result in poor sleep that you could change?; identify helpful and unhelpful ways of coping and avoid the latter.
- Introduce pleasant smells into your sleeping environment to help you relax e.g. potpourri or lavender oil.
- Try to relax an hour or two before you go to bed. Keep your daily stress low and seek counselling or the support of friends if you feel the need. Exercise during the day. Avoid caffeine, nicotine and alcohol and try a warm milk drink before bed. Make sure you are not hungry before retiring as this will keep you awake. · Ensure you have a quiet bedroom and a comfortable bed and have emptied your bladder before trying to sleep. Use your bed only for sleeping and set an alarm so you wake regularly each day. Avoid naps during the day.
- If you sleepwalk you are advised to discuss this with your doctor as it can be dangerous.
- To cope with disturbing dreams you could try:
- Constructing a positive ending to your disturbing dream and mentally practicing this alternative ending several times before sleeping;
- Practicing beforehand what you might say if the dream occurs;
- Keep water and a towel by your bedside to wash your face with if you wake up sweating - this will help you re-orientate;
- Keep a notepad and pencil within reach so you can record your dreams but beware of reading too much into their interpretation.
- Relaxed Breathing Method:
You could try the following method of relaxed breathing to ease tension and promote sleep:- Ensure you have some time to yourself and push your worries to one side;
- Sit or lie comfortably and close your eyes with your arms by your side;
- Concentrate on breathing naturally;
- Place your hands on your stomach and breathe in deeply and hold for a few seconds feeling your stomach rise. Breathe out and feel your stomach contract. Repeat and as you breathe out think of a relaxing image or sound. Continue doing this until you feel thoroughly relaxed;
- Count back from 10 then open your eyes and feel how relaxed you are now. Slowly get up and resume normal activities.
- Stress Awareness Training
- You need to monitor your stress and become familiar with what sets it off and the feelings, thinking and actions associated with the anxiety. You can do this by keeping a diary. When you feel anxious note the date and time. What was the event? Rate your distress 1-10 (1 is no distress and 10 is extreme panic). What caused your anxiety? What was your response to cope with the problem? Re-rate your distress.
- After two weeks of monitoring your stress levels you should become aware of what triggers your distress, your bodily feelings and thoughts when distressed, how your distress levels vary with different situations, what you tend to do when distressed and what is the best way for you to cope with your distress.
- Make two lists – one of short-term only coping strategies and the other of long-term coping strategies. You can refer to these when you feel stressed. Try to incorporate more of the long-term strategies into your set of coping techniques and attempt to gradually abandon your short-term methods.
- Avoid turning to stimulants such as alcohol, caffeine and nicotine as coping methods. These have unpleasant effects in the long-term.
- Study your diary to determine what drives your cycles of distress. Is it bodily, psychological, behavioural or social?
- Dealing With Psychological Aspects: Distraction
- A cycle of mounting anxiety is set off by alarming thoughts and images. You can break this cycle by distracting yourself.
- Physical Exercise – If you keep active you are less likely to be preoccupied by worrying thoughts.
- Refocusing – Distract yourself by focusing on things around you e.g. listening to others’ conversations or studying how someone is dressed.
- Mental Exercise – Formulate a phrase, picture or mental exercise that distracts you e.g. redesign your home, imagine your dream home in detail or recite poetry.
- Develop a set of distraction techniques for different occasions that are suited to your needs e.g. If you get stressed at interviews then physical distraction will not be helpful.
- Make two columns – in one write down the situation causing anxiety and in the other your chosen distraction method.
- Practice your distraction techniques when you are not anxious and try to catch your anxiety at an early stage.
- Dealing With Your Arousal Reactions
- Brooding on angry thoughts turns on our fight/flight system making us feel more aroused. The chemicals released can do damage if they are not put to use.
- Negative self-beliefs may prevent you from examining your anger and putting it to use assertively. Some examples are: Others are more powerful and I will never succeed in arguing against them. I am wicked and unlovable when angry. My parents taught me that anger is bad.
- Think about the last time you were angry and write down some of your thoughts. Examine if you are using any of the types of negative thoughts e.g. all-or-nothing thinking.
- Notice the danger signs if you tend to get excessively angry and tell yourself to keep your distance. Return to the issue when you feel more settled. Consider what was going through your mind and what the early feelings were – did the anger build up and could you recognize the danger signals?
- If you feel very angry stop any action and count to ten slowly, taking deep breaths. You need to draw your attention away from the cause of your anger. You could try leaving the room. In this way you maintain your calm and will have adequate control of yourself.
- To deal with negative beliefs for avoiding anger make flash cards with your negative beliefs on one side and on the other, challenge them with alternatives. What are the pros and cons of altering your beliefs?
- An exercise to release your anger and still maintain control, for those afraid of expressing their anger is to kneel by your bed and hit it with a rolled up newspaper, speaking or shouting your thoughts about your anger. Allow yourself to cry if you wish when your angry thoughts have diminished. Then lie on your bed and think to yourself that your anger is over and use calming imagery to soothe yourself. Note that you have been able to control your anger and need not fear it. When you feel more settled write down what you said or shouted when you were angry. Examine your thoughts for extremes that should be challenged.
- Managing Your Anger: You need to learn to deal with your anger effectively rather than suppressing it or being enraged.
- Keep Notes About Your Anger
- When and why you are angry; your thoughts and behaviour when angry; rate how strong your anger is using the scale 0-10, (0 is irritated, 10 is enraged).
- Make honest, daily anger notes for a fortnight or more, dating each entry – this will enable you to see what things need to be improved.
- Answer the following questions in your notebook:
- How frequently do I get angry? Do others know when I am angry? Does my anger help me to cope? Is my anger preventing recovery? What do I achieve from being angry? Can I obtain these things in other ways? Do I express anger in ways others expressed anger in my childhood or differently? Do I feel relief from getting angry? Are there alternatives to getting angry yet achieving the same sense of relief? Could I consider forgiveness as opposed to revenge or a compromise between the two?
- Dealing With Bodily Sensations:
- Consider the physical sensations that tell you that you are becoming angry e.g. do you become tense and sweat?
- Control your physical sensations due to anger, by using the Controlled Breathing and Relaxation techniques:
- Dealing With Bodily Experiences: Controlling Your Breathing
- Hyperventilation – faster breathing occurs in response to exertion and stress. In the long-term this can be uncomfortable and cause unpleasant physical symptoms which trigger more anxiety and more hyperventilation. Another cycle of stress is set up and can result in a panic attack.
- You can rectify hyperventilation by learning to control your breathing.
- First practice lying down and later sitting or standing. Place one hand on your stomach and the other on your chest. Breathe in slowly through your nose until your lungs are full then exhale slowly through your nose. Breathing in and out counts as one breath – aim to take 8-12 breaths a minute.
- In order to be effective you need to practice this exercise repeatedly.
- Dealing With Bodily Experiences: Relaxation
- You need to develop relaxation into a skill you can use when you feel muscular tension due to stress.
- Try to develop a routine and practice your relaxation exercises. Start by lying down and later you can try sitting or standing. Control your breathing.
- Record your experiences noting the date and time. Rate your distress before the relaxation exercise, 1-10 (1 is tense and 10 is very relaxed). Which exercise did you use? Rate your distress afterwards. Make notes of the sort of day it was, your preoccupations etc.
- Below are three exercises – only move to the next one when you are fully relaxed after a routine.
- Progressive Muscular Relaxation (PMR) – Breathe slowly and regularly as you focus on different parts of the body: feet – tense your feet then relax and repeat; legs – straighten your legs then relax and repeat; abdomen – tense your abdomen then relax and repeat; back – arc your back then relax and repeat; shoulders/neck – bring your shoulders up and in and press your head back. Relax and repeat; arms – stretch out your arms and hands. Relax and repeat; face – tense your face and bite hard then relax and repeat; whole body – tense your whole body then relax and repeat.
After the routine if you still feel tense then repeat it then when you are relaxed think of something calming to relax your mind. Get up slowly and gently.
You should practice PMR twice a day until you feel relaxed after the exercise. - Shortened PMR – You can miss out the tensing and go straight to relaxing the different muscles. When you have achieved this you can progress to using the routine at other times and places.
- Simple Relaxation Routine – Identify a word, object or scene you find calming. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Be aware of your breathing as you inhale through your nose. As you exhale, think about your calming mental image. Continue this until you feel relaxed. You should practice this exercise frequently.
- Progressive Muscular Relaxation (PMR) – Breathe slowly and regularly as you focus on different parts of the body: feet – tense your feet then relax and repeat; legs – straighten your legs then relax and repeat; abdomen – tense your abdomen then relax and repeat; back – arc your back then relax and repeat; shoulders/neck – bring your shoulders up and in and press your head back. Relax and repeat; arms – stretch out your arms and hands. Relax and repeat; face – tense your face and bite hard then relax and repeat; whole body – tense your whole body then relax and repeat.
- When you have learned to relax using the three exercises you can start to use the skills throughout the day. Use something to remind you regularly to relax. Apply your relaxation skills whenever you need to use them in response to physical tension.
- As well as the above techniques you could try healthy physical exertion e.g. taking a vigorous walk.
- Specific Anger Management Techniques:
- The ‘Time-out’ technique:
Discuss with your partner and others concerned beforehand that as part of learning to control your anger, you will take a ‘Time-out’ next time you are angry. This means that you will leave to be alone for no more or less than an hour, when you feel your anger rising. During this time you should not drink or drive. Use any technique that will help you to calm down and not over react when you return e.g. controlled breathing or physical exertion. Explain to those concerned that you are not rejecting them nor should they worry about you when you need to be alone to calm down. Request their support in your efforts at anger management. - The ‘Thermometer’ technique:
Visualize a large thermometer with red mercury to represent your temper. Allow yourself to see the graduation marks.
When you are calm there is just enough mercury for effective interaction with others. As you become agitated the temperature will rise – you will be aware of bodily sensations such as quickened breathing and flaring nostrils.
All thermometers have marks at the top for a ‘danger zone’ and you need to bring the mercury down before you get into this zone where you will lose control over your thinking so will be unable to act appropriately.
Use controlled breathing or the ‘time-out’ technique or any other means to get the mercury to fall to a safe level where you are in control of your anger.
When you reach room temperature level you can deal with the situation in a rational manner.
You will need to use this technique regularly for effective results. - The ‘Assertive Communication’ technique:
Clarify what you want to discuss that is upsetting you.
Communicate your feelings using ‘I’ statements e.g. ‘I am frustrated…’
Specify the action you want to happen.
State any stipulations or consequences.
Thank the other person for listening.
Try rehearsing the ‘Assertive Communication’ technique before an encounter.
- The ‘Time-out’ technique:
- Keep Notes About Your Anger
- If you are doing yourself physical damage e.g. cutting or self-mutilating, you are not coping and should seek the help of a professional.
- Problem-Solving
- Problems of any sort can cause a person to become distressed, frustrated and angry.
- The problem-solving approach can be useful in these cases. You learn to focus your thinking and find solutions to your problem instead of becoming angry. There are six steps in problem-solving:
- Define the Problem – Be specific and try to break the problem into more manageable tasks. Do one task at a time. Choose your task and specify your goal.
- List Solutions – Try to write down as many ideas, to solve your problem, as you can.
- Evaluate the Pros and Cons of Each Solution – Consider your solutions and reject the unsuitable ones. List the remaining solutions in order of usefulness.
- Selecting a Solution and Planning Action - Choose your first solution and decide how you will put it into action. Rehearse your task and make sure you have a back-up plan in case your task does not go as planned.
- Do it - Attempt your solution.
- Review the Result of the Solution – If your solution is successful try to understand why it was so. If your solution is unsuccessful try to comprehend why it did not work. Praise yourself for having tried and choose your next solution from your list.
- Assertiveness Training
- The aim of assertive behaviour is to stand up for your legitimate rights and face others without putting yourself or them down.
- Assertiveness training teaches you to increase the number and variety of situations in which you are assertive.
- There are three types of interpersonal behaviour:
- Aggressive - you may be forceful in expressing your opinions, feelings and wants.
- Passive - your opinions, feelings and wants may be withheld completely or partly.
- Opinions, feelings and wants are stated with respect for the rights of others.
- Make sure you are aware of your fundamental rights which include: asking for what you want; saying 'No' without guilt; not being perfect; being ignorant about something; being responsible for your actions; having your own perspective and emotions; being indecisive; choosing whether or not to deal with others' difficulties; expecting privacy, independence and success.
- There are five steps to being assertive:
- What do you want? ;
- What is fair? ;
- Be clear in asking for it;
- Contemplate and be ready for the risks;
- Stay calm
- Practice your arguments in advance and repeat yourself to get the message across. Be prepared to negotiate.
- Think about situations in which you are not assertive and how you could change this and be assertive.
- Write out a detailed description of problem scenes - note when and where the problem occurs; who is involved; what your difficulties are; how you handle it; your fear of what will happen if you are assertive; your goal.
- To deal with a problem situation:
- Consider your rights and wants.
- Unless spontaneous action is required, arrange a mutually convenient time to discuss your problem with the other person.
- Define the problem as specifically as possible.
- Describe your feelings using 'I' messages, to give the other person an understanding of how important the issue is to you.
- Make your request in one or two simple but firm sentences.
- Give positive reinforcement to get what you want e.g. we'll be able to spend more time together. If this will be ineffective try negative reinforcement, describing the alternative way you will look after yourself if your wishes are not met.
- You need to arrive at a workable compromise. Agree to review this after a specified length of time and if you are not both satisfied you can renegotiate.
- Avoid being manipulated - techniques include:
- 'Broken Record' where you choose a concise assertive statement to say over and over to get your message across.
- Delay responding to a challenging statement until you are more prepared.
- Inviting criticism may reveal what is troubling the other person.
- When someone puts you down, acknowledge something you can agree with in their criticism and ignore the rest.
- You can change the focus, from discussing the topic to analyzing the interaction between the two of you.
- In instances where you lack time you could use the short form assertiveness technique. Consider:
- Your thoughts - state the facts as: 'I think…'
- Your feelings - express as 'I' statements: 'I feel…'
- Your wants - specify behaviour change as: 'I want…'
- You need to develop assertive body language. Practice the following basic rules in front of a mirror so that you learn how to apply them to problem situations:
- Maintain eye contact and an erect body posture.
- Speak clearly and firmly.
- Emphasize what you are saying with gestures and facial expressions.
- Learn to listen assertively:
- Make sure you are both ready to listen.
- Listen giving the other person your full attention and ask them to clarify if necessary.
- Let the other person know you have heard what s/he has expressed to you.
- Practice being more assertive in problem situations and consider how it makes you feel.
- Role-playing is a good way to improve your assertiveness in a safe environment before trying it out in real life situations.
- Dealing With Interpersonal Relationships
- Interpersonal relationships may have caused your anger or may be preventing you from recovering – in any event interpersonal relationships will be affected by your anger.
- You need to understand your personal relationships and be able to deal with them effectively.
- Draw interpersonal maps for:
- How your interpersonal relationships are at present;
- How your interpersonal relationships might be now if you did not suffer from your emotional problem;
- How your interpersonal relationships will be in 10 years if you continue to suffer from your emotional problem;
- How you would ideally like your interpersonal relationships to be.
- These will summarize all your relationships and allow you to recognize any changes you may desire.
- List all your important relationships and put yourself in the middle of the map in a circle.
- Place each person’s name in a circle on the map, around you in the middle – the closer the relationship to you, the closer the circle to you.
- Join these circle’s to you in the middle with an arrow outward if it is you mainly giving; an arrow inward if you are mainly receiving; a two-way arrow if giving and receiving is balanced; a question mark if you are unsure.
- Examine these maps noting any differences and set yourself goals to make any desired changes to your relationships.
- For each relationship ask yourself:
- who initiates and terminates contact;
- are you happy with how often you see this person? ;
- who decides what to do or what to talk about? ;
- is there a balance between giving and receiving? ;
- do you want to alter the relationship in anyway?
- Consider questions such as:
- who could I confide in and get advice from? ;
- who would be there for me if I fell ill? ;
- who would lend me money at very short notice?
- Next time you have contact with each person, examine the relationship – participate and observe. Were your predictions correct? – If not, what was different?
- When you have a complete picture of your relationships, think about how you maintain them and in what way you want to change your relationships.
- Two important reasons for making changes are:
- A balanced and supportive social network is necessary for your well-being;
- By altering your relationships but avoiding being controlling, you may increase your sense of control.
- Start by making small changes and monitoring progress. You could also try discussing what you have learned about the relationship with the individual.
- Removing The Obstacles To Intimacy
- Record and examine closely the things that prevent you from achieving intimacy with someone. Note your thoughts and reactions when you distance yourself from a friend or end a relationship and make an analysis e.g. are you overgeneralising?
- Social inadequacy can be an obstacle to intimacy. Apply your assertiveness skills to your social and work life and observe how socially skilled people handle situations in particular difficult ones. Rehearse your social behaviours so that you are comfortable with them.
- Try to grasp your anxious thoughts, examine them closely and if required, challenge them. What are your anxious thoughts? Is your outlook biased – are there misjudgments? Consider the evidence to support and discount your thoughts.
- See ‘Overcoming Social Phobia’ in the Forward Counselling Advice Service.
- It is possible to become over-intimate and make ourselves vulnerable to exploitation. Trust can be given in a series of stages and you can fluctuate as to how much you trust someone.
- Communication is necessary for all relationships. Record the feelings which threaten your relationship (e.g. jealousy) and grasp the automatic thoughts. Analyze them and find alternative ways of dealing with the situation.
- Conclusion
- Constantly bear in mind the model for analyzing irritability and anger. Use the model to solve your irritability and anger problem.
- [BELIEFS + MOOD] [TRIGGER APPRAISAL ANGER INHIBITIONS REACTION]
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